Thursday, April 12, 2007

Return of Terror

Before I can walk out of the shadow in my mind, it came back to haunt. Remember this other post a little more than a month ago? I'm still affected by that event, and today, that thing came back and made me tear again. Even as I'm writing this post now, my fingers are shaking, and I can't type that well, I can feel my eyes swollen from that big emotional outburst earlier on, and I can feel the tears welling again. Any slight movements now on will just make me cry all over again.

Even since that last incident, every time I bathed, I'd check the shower curtains, and make sure that there's no unidentifed flying objects there. And my heart would instinctively skip a beat as my leg steps into the shower area. I'm still until now, a little more than a month later, still very much traumatised by that thing even though it's down the sewages now, probably recycled and made into newater.

I was playing my handphone game just now, preparing to take a nap before I start work when suddenly from the corner of my eye I saw that huge cockroach perched on the wall across from me. It was right beside my Sakura poster, just beside Syaoran's face. That wasn't scary because it was far away from me. It wasn't moving, only it's feelers were twitching. I was pretty calm at that moment. I thought of going to get the Baygon and drown it with the same brand of chemicals that killed hundred thousands of jews sixty plus years ago. (Baygon is made by Bayer which was part of the IG Farben which formulated the gas for the gas chambers during the holocaust.)

I finally decided against it and crept up over to my mother's room and gently woke her up. When she saw the big big cockroach, she too was grossed out by the sheer size of that thing. Of all times, I wished my dad was around. At least he wasn't afraid of cockroaches, and I know I can count on him. Instead, my mother, for all that I admire in her, picked up the swatter and the Baygon and armed herself for the battle with the cockroach.

But it flew across over to my clothes hanger. She smacked it, I saw it drop, but we couldn't find the dead body. I'm the kind who must see the dead body if not I won't be appeased that kind of person. So we searched around for the dead body. We sprayed a bit hoping that it would panic and we can catch it, but to no avail. Finally, my mother spotted it behind the bathroom door. After a bit of battling, it flew out of the window. Or at least we thought that it did.

My mother closed the window and told me to go to sleep.

Feeling still quite all right, I decided to play a few more handphone game before I did my work. Just as I was playing happily, suddenly, this big black shadow charged at me.

I shrieked, and jumped out of my bed, messing up my hair, hoping that that big black unidentified object is not in my hair. My mother woke up and scolded me for being so noisy. My sister woke up and told me to shut up. But by then my knees were weak and my whole body was shivering, and my eyes were heavy and wet. I think my heart stopped beating. Everything was in a shock to me.

As my mother searched for the body of the cockroach while wondering how was it that that thing was still in my room when she thought she saw it flying out. Slowly, me and my mother removed everything on my bed, since it was towards me that it charged at a couple of minutes ago. To say that I have a lot of things on my bed is to say that Bill Gates is rich, that's an understatement of the century. I have 3 big pillow, one bolster, one cushion pillow, one set of mini pillow and bolster, and three bags, shawl, towel, my file, notebook, pencil case, wallet, a pile of papers, my German dictionary, earphones all on a normal single bed.

As the pieces were slowly removed from the bed, we still saw no sign of that unidentified flying object. Then suddenly, I saw this huge cockroach crawling towards my mother's feet. I shrieked again and ran all the way to the living room leaving my mother to deal with that thing by her feet and my sister to shout even more from her sleep. After that thing was smacked by the swatter by my mother, picked up in tissue and made sure that thing won't terrorise me again, I sat down in the couch in the living room and before I know it, the flood gates opened.

My sister was still shouting in her sleep with my mother trying to tell her that there was a cockroach, I was sobbing like mad. The events were unfolding within me as soon as I had the time to myself to recollect the incident. That thing charged towards me. That thing probably touched or brushed against me. That did it. I cried and cried from the fear that thing brought upon me.

Sometime a bit later, my mother noticed that I was crying. She was like why are you scared, I'm scared too, but there's nothing you can do about it. That thing doesn't have teeth to bit you, it's just gross only. But I just couldn't stop the teard from flowing down. I really wished that there was at least some men in the house to control the situation and clear the disgusting thing and purge them from the house.

I finally decided to calm myself and sooth my nerves by taking a bath, but I still feared the cockroach from the previous incident. This time round, every small sound of ruffling makes my ears jump up straight. I'm so traumatised by that thing.

I was in such a bad shape that I decided to open a can of Coke to calm myself down and to lift up my spirits.

I hate cockroaches, esoecially those that come too close to me. *shudders*

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Sweetheart, I'm sure that some men are afraid of cockroaches too... tho' few would admit it. On the other hand, there are plenty of women who are not afraid of cockroaches, myself included. I think that I'm judgmental about the way you seem to think that it is nec. to have men in your life to fix your problems for you... There are many things that you can take care of by yourself without needing a man to take care of you. Sure, it's nice to have one, but it's not necessary to have one and even if there is one, there is no guarantee the other person wouldn't be afraid of cockroaches or can be a 100 percent reliable. Give yourself some credit. You are not as weak/vulnerable as you think you are.

Yes, the cockroach may have "charged at you", but honestly, sweetheart, was there any permanent damage that poor cockroach has ever done to you? Have you lost a limb? Did you lose blood? Did you have to go to the A&E? And, yes, the cockroach might have touched you, but was there anything that couldn't be washed away with soap and water?

All I'm saying is, the cockroach has no power over you, cannot evoke the feelings that it evokes in you unless you let it. (Ditto for the people in your life.) Perhaps it's just time to have a big clean up session, throw out the things that you don't need anymore in your house, keep your house and room generally tidy and clean; and make a complaint to the management at your condominium...

Regards,
Anon.

xxoos said...

hi anon, i don't think it's necessary to have men to fix my problems, but maybe it's because i'm so used to having my dad fix all of my problems for me. now that he's not living at home, and esp when there are problems like this, i really miss him. at least i know for sure he's not afraid of any unidentified flying objects, crawling objects or other weird things.

actually, outside cockroaches, there is little else that can traumatise me that much. i'm fine with creepy crawlies that do not fly, most beetles are okay. armed with my bottle of baygon i've waged battles against other creatures, once there was even this centipede which drowned in baygon, but when it comes to cockroaches, esp the flying ones, i just can't take it.

it's not about the physical damage that it has done. physical damage is very easy to rectify. but it's the psychological trauma that it has upon me, the wounds that one cannot see from the surface. stuff happened before, and it's not like fitting a prosthetic or a transfusion that can help. given a choice between suffering physical pain and psychological trauma, i'd definitely rather have physical pain upon me that the trauma i went through.

maybe it's a bit difficult to understand this mentality if one doesn't have that stigma.

Guo said...

I'm very scared of cockroachess too...