A Prozac Nation

Random Ramblings

天龙八部.

I finished watching 40 episodes of 天龙八部 this Chinese New Year. Okay, I missed out 6 episodes with 3 episodes missing due to my windows media player crashing on me for a particular dvd and another 3 missing due to a missing dvd. Luckily, I still managed to understand the story thanks to me having read that book a couple of years ago.

My sister still don't understand how I can manage to read all those Chinese martial arts novels. Actually I don't understand how I can do that too. Give me a piece of paper filled with Chinese words like my script, I'd take ages to read it, but I can finish those martial arts novels within the least possible time. I can even read as fast in Chinese as I read English. The rate I read martial arts novels is about the same rate as I read those Harry Potter books, or Donna Leons, or whatever books I read that are similarly engaging. I can read manga faster though, with majority being pictures.

Money.

Yesterday I won $10.20 playing mahjong with the last $6 coming from the last round in which I got an am gong then immediately zi mo.

I was checking my accounts for the next half month. I get my allowance every middle of the month, so I do a check every week to make sure I need not go on a diet the following week. Everytime my accounts to not balance I'm forced to go on a diet. But this month I was on a diet so my accounts worked out pretty well for me. I really need to watch my expenditures to make sure I can shop lots when in Europe.

Diet.

I'm supposedly on a diet, but from the last entry I'm sure it's clear that my diet isn't working very well and I'm now expanding along my waist. My tummy is growing bigger.

The funny thing? I'm not eating a lot. And this is worrying. I don't eat much outside. I eat more at home, but that also means I'm snacking, and with the Chinese New Year goodies around everywhere, everything is so tempting.

I guess I should change the dress code for my birthday party. If it isn't going to be "as little as possible", then what can it be? I can't possibly say red or pink or the guys will boycott the party. And being held in the beach, I cannot think of things like formal or smart casual or even stuff like in your best wear. Can someone think of something interesting for me?

Boys.

I think I'm a big masochist.

I was looking back at some of the past guys I've flitted around with. Yes, I do mean flit, no typo in that. The better the guys treat me, the worse I treated them. Or maybe I should say, in the beginning most guys will treat me very well and I'd treat them badly, the the tables would turn and when I start treating them well, they'd treat me bad. And the worse they treat me then better I'd treat them. Likewise, the better they treat me the worse I treat them. Honestly, can I say I'm not being a masochist?

Two incidents which happened recently.

This guy used to treat me well, but I thought he was just flitting around, just as how I was flitting, so I did not take much notice. But when I finally did take notice of him, the attention he lavished on me ceased. I mirror that to the other guys I have been with. Can I say the cycle continues?

To prevent myself from allowing history to repeat itself, I've decided to take the opposite of what I would do. Instead of me piling the attention of people, I've decided that me shall not be bothered with whatever that's happening.

Then the other day this other guy came over to meet me somewhere in school. Instead of me entertaining him like what I did the last time I met him, I totally ignored him. I don't want to send out wrong signals, but I always end up sending them. Making them think that I might like them, while on the other hand, making them think that they've got no chance. hai... Don't know what's wrong with me...

Jealousy.

I think I'm a green eyed monster. I was saying about the first guy just now. I know the reason for that ceasure in attention lavished, and I'm bloody jealous of that. But that, I know I've only myself to blame.

Maybe it's fate. Fate has it that he thought I might be a nice girl, but also fate has it that I'm not a nice girl, but fate has it that I'm an interesting and conversant girl, but fate also has it that I have something that he doesn't want, but fate has it that I got so used to his attention, but fate also has it that he has now turned his attention to some other girl he thinks might be more suitable than him. What else can I do?

I typed another paragraph of something about jealousy, but I've backspaced everything until here. I don't know if I should say that anot. Damn... Suddenly feeling so vulnerable. I've no idea who might or might not be reading all these I'm typing.

Prozac.

I hate fratenatising with relatives, and sometimes I can be a brat in front of my relatives. So, before Chinese New Year, my mum pulled me and my sister aside for a lecture. She wanted us to make sure that we both don't make her lose face in front of relatives.

She wanted us to put on a smile. To that I say, it isn't about our mood, but whether we've taken or not our prozac. I think I can now get away with almost everything...

Ironically, during Chinese New Year,I've changed my MSN nick to "why does coke works better for me than prozac?" I've been downing lots of coke lately, and it really does wonders to me. Haven't made my mother lose face in front of anybody.

My MSN picture.

One guy said I look like a Shanghainese in this...

Do you think it's a compliment or an insult?
He said it was a compliment...

Some other guys have complained that my skirt is too short.
Do you think so?

My set of flickr photos.

Because I put up the above picture, I went back to review my flickr photos from my third account. Suddenly, it has received lots of hits due to my camwhore-ness. And the picture of those which received the highest hits, other than the one of my Rolex are those which I've been exposing lots of legs.

I know I have nice legs, and I'm proud of my legs, but it does feel a bit weird, like suddenly having like tens of eyes staring at your legs and scrutinising them.

Hmm... I've also noticed something else... My nails got loads of hits too... So I guess my nails are really nice~ wahahaha~ I rather have tens of eyes on my nails than on my legs. Wait... I take that back. I don't mind the attention lavished on my legs since they're not that bad, I rather have people staring at them than me having ugly and short and fat legs and nobody even noticing their presence. yea... hehehe...

High hits also on my bikini shots. Think that's normal. But surprisingly, I've also have high hits on my bruised legs. hmm... Both times from http://jal4eva.blogspot.com/2005/11/week-of-sick-and-pain.html and http://jal4eva.blogspot.com/2005/12/blog-post.html, both showing big pictures of bruised body parts.

Other stuff.

Nothing else already. Think I'm going to sleep soon.

Things to do tomorrow:
1. Do German homework
2. Go library to return books
3. Buy student concession
4. Go for German class
5. Watch my daily dosage of Joe Mah
6. Sleep somemore

Things to buy from Body Shop: (Maybe going down on I dunno when)
1. Facial Wash
2. Foundation
3. Facial Wipes
4. Sponge
5. Face Lily
And talking about Body Shop, I previously bought a concealler from Body Shop then lost it for several weeks and when I needed it I couldn't find it, I panicked and bought another one, but still have yet used the new one, then I found the first one I bought, so now I've two conceallers and I have a bit of my current one left, shouldn't have bought that in a hurry.

Thursday.

I've tuition on Thursday, but I've received a late notification that I've a tech meeting on Thursday. I hate late notifications. I guess, I'll have to miss the tech meeting again for my tuition, but I'm so lazy to reply. And I'm angry for the late notification esp on a time I can't make it.

And I've make up German tutorial on that day. Wonder when is my next doctor appointment, hope it's not on that day too.

Weekend.

I want to go Sentosa see the flowers. Anybody care to jio me? Actually, from above, I had wanted to jio guy one to go one, thought he might like that sort of thing, but I guess fate also had it that things change so soon that I hadn't anticipated such in this short a time. hai...

Should I jio someone else? Maybe a couple of friends might lighten things up better... Bah... Feeling so depressed now. Shouldn't have named this entry Prozac Nation. But I thought this sounds pretty cute, I think it's a book about depression. Check out amazon if you want ba...

Good night.