Thursday, March 02, 2006

Losing Steam

I think I'm losing steam. If the past few days I was going through the maniac symptoms of bipolar disorder, I think the next couple of days I'll be going through a depressed state. I can't keep myself upbeat all the time, and when I'm upbeat I can't control it, it goes totally out of control.

I'm been reading the other finalists' blogs. You can see the full list here
I don't know if I really care about winning or am I just pushing myself to want to win just because I have nothing that motivates me to go on. The past few days I've been rallying for votes, but suddenly I just feel so hollow about everything. So what if I win? It doesn't really matter, $200 is only 100euros, it can't even cover my a third of my monthly rent. I don't know if a couple of days later I'd change my mind and want to rally votes again or not. I don't even have a site meter to keep track of number of visitors. I don't know now if any of my profs are still reading my blog since I've been bumped off all my modules. I can't even contact Goh Bee Hwa of the Registra's Office to clear up this whole mess of my modules. I don't even feel that I'm about to fly.

Life at home sucks too. I have absolutely nothing to occupy my time. My family, make that my mother, doesn't understand my condition. She thinks I'm merely stressed over school work, like come on, what's so stressful about school when I don't even go to school? I don't even know if she knows I'm still on consultation even though I'm not on medication already. I think seriously, nothing helps.

Weird people have been adding me on MSN. I'm not a mean person by nature, but some people really do get on my nerves with their total ignorance. It gets very exasperating talking to them. And my fucking internet connection isn't working anymore. I keep dc-ing and keep having to tap into other people's wireless. And the worse thing, I'm back to my nocturnal lifestyle, so everything gets erratic. And I'm digressing...

I was saying I was reading the other finalists' blog, and I started reflecting on my past month of February. I think this can past off as the most turbulent month since last July. At least in the past it was a unipolar depression, I'm now starting to feel the effects of Jekel and Hyde. And with me having nothing to do at all, it gives me more time to do what I do best, get high, and get upset in extreme mode. The birthday is also a point of bipolar. Somethings I feel glad that I'm old already, sometimes I still wish I were young. Oh man... I don't even know what I'm talking now.

I made a bet with Andrew korkor, if he gets his book published before me I'd have to give him a treat, and vice versa. If I go into vanity publishing which I think I most probably would, it'd be whoever's book sells better. On hand I have two completed short story for the Parallelogram collection, and three completed short stories for the Prozac Nation collection. I've the outline of one more short story for the parallelogram collection on hand, and another two outlines for the Prozac Nation collection, but I just can't bring myself to pen it down. I guess writing
totally burned me out. It always happens. I can't bring myself to write another piece because I always think my last is a masterpiece, yet I have to constantly better myself. And I lack the motivation to complete anything I start out with.

I want to write a piece based on this conversation
I have the whole outline in my head, but somehow I can't get it on paper. I'm also afraid. Afraid of sharing the fate of Virginia Woolf and Sylvia Plath. They seem to be holding me back from fully exploring my ideas.

Recently I've been having a vision. I want to get Separate Lives onto the big screen. A full length feature without any or minimal dialogue, it'd be wholly music and songs and a narration, or maybe two narrations. I'd narrate once in Chinese for the Chinese market and another in English for the international market. It wouldn't be too long, maybe about 70-80min, I'd include an epilogue that's not included in my story, the scene of which Jun and Jin would live their life had nothing happened. Jun will be married to the sister of his bassist, they'll live a simple and uneventful life. He'd still be at Min Rock Cafe day in day out, he'd still be making his kind of music, he's will be drawn to the enigmatic Jin, but he'd never make any move on her now that he's married.

Jin on the other hand will marry a friend from her university days. He'd be a friend whom she could settle with, not really someone whom she loves, but more so someone whom she can rely upon. She'd be promoted to a managerial position. She might or might not continue her patronage to Min Rock Cafe, maybe only about 2-3 times a week, or maybe less. She can have a daughter, or maybe a daugther and a son. She may or may not continue listening to the Min Rock CD daily. She will have to accept that she could never be with Jun.

But then if luck was on their side, say maybe one rainy day, they both meet in the rain. He brought an umbrella but she didn't, he tries to shelter her with his umbrella, but instead of being nice and dry under the umbrella, their hands meet the two rings shine on each other, the umbrella drops. They start kissing in the rain on the street. Have they married each other? Or something else instead.

I still have the full length novel to write. The plot is out, I have like half of the first draft out, but I want to make amendments to it, so I need to redraft it, but I keep putting that back because I can never seem to finish anything I'm doing and I really want to finish something. I also want to do the sequel. I have all the details of the plot, on paper somemore, not just in my head, but to convert everything, somehow, I don't have the steam to get me through it. Scarlet Flight, as I named it.

I had wanted to put up the video Cindy took of me at Sentosa beach, the scene where I was coming out of the sand after being buried. I guess that will have to wait.

I was supposed to meet Eunice to get the full sized photos and Cindy's (another Cindy) present, but why didn't I? I guess it should be on Friday ba...

I had wanted to sleep early today, but I guess I'll be sleeping very early later, early in the morning. The time on this blog heading is the time I started typing this blog entry, the time now reads 6.50am. My daddie's awake. My sister's awake. And I'm awake.

My plans for the rest of the week?
Being the nocturnal animal and the bipolar creature for Thursday and Friday.
Hopefully going out on Saturday and Sunday can put some life in me.

*the internet connection failed on me yet again. I'm trying to get mine back, but I don't think it's seems very possible. This sucks. Maybe I should go and sleep now. Or maybe I should just forget about posting this emo post up. I don't know*

*I got it back, not sure whose wireless I'm using. I don't care anymore.*

I'm going to sleep now. I think I shall wake up late tomorrow. I have this big problem regarding my sleeping habits, I sleep late and I wake up late. I've thought about it, I think it's a psychological problem. I don't want to sleep early because I don't want the day to end, by sleeping late, I can prolong to day, like to me now is still Wednesday night even though it says on my computer clock Thursday 7am. And I have problems waking up. I don't want to wake up because waking up is a start of a new day, a start to new problems, and it also means having to go through all those sucky things again. hai...

Hope tomorrow I can do a decent entry dedicated to Cindy's video. I think it deserves due respect.

Postscript (written at 2.29pm the same day): I just realised this morning when the morning reminder came that I was supposed to go for an appointment this afternoon. I could have been able to make it, but something inside me instigated me to come up with an excuse to postpone the appointment. And just a couple of minutes ago, Tim messaged me said Sunday's outing is cancelled, I guess I shall rot at home unless someone jios me out. But who would? Everyone's so busy with school work. Am I only only rotter around?

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