This shall be an all text post.
My sleep deprivation started on Friday night. On Friday, I don't know if it was sixth sense or intuition or rapport or telepathy or whatever pyschic powers that I might possibly have, I feel into a deep deep emotional wreck. I was moaning the whole night, and procrastinated my work until it was too late. I had to piah my work the whole night. It was only the next morning that I managed to catch an hour's rest before leaving the house.
Saturday, had Chinese Drama the whole day. The tingling feeling about that constant nag at the back of my head remained. To counter that, I devoted all my time, energy and focus on the events organised by my Chinese Drama people. The lights and sounds lesson I conducted, the production meeting, the dinner at Fong Seng, the carrying of lanterns and eating of mooncakes and crapping of lame jokes at West Coast Park, the playing of the two flying fox thingies there too, the crazy 12-4am KTV session. I managed to put it out of my mind.
To the guy I always threaten to send my nude pictures to, to the guy I always threaten to hug you kiss you, to the guy I will threaten with something more fun the next time you come online, thank you very much. I'll touch on more of my future plans later.
I reached home close to 4.30am, moped around online and around the house, then went to sleep at about 6am to wake up at 11am the next day cos I had to study for my tests and to prepare to go out for another KTV session with the barflies. A current moment, 6 hours of sleep in 48 hours, sounds pretty bad? Things can go worse.
Sunday I woke up and seriously considered if I should back out from going on the KTV session or not. It was a 4-9pm session, with a test the next day, not studied, and serious lack of sleep, i was at a lost. But one good thing did happen that day was that the nagging feeling was gone. I decided to face up to it and it turned out that my horrible mood swings and emos were not unfounded. Something major did happen. I think it was my vibes that received those signals from you that led me to such a frenzied state on Friday and Saturday.
It was also because of that that made me decide to carry on with my plans for the KTV session. I desperately needed that escape. The KTV session was really crazy, but I got to know more flies and better too. In the end, due to the sheer amount of beer ordered by the guys, we were given two extra hours. A 4-11pm KTV session. This was pure madness.
I tried studying my test while k-ing. It wasn't that bad. Just that before I left the house I realised that my printer hadn't any ink and my didn't want to lug my lap around, neither would it be convenient for me to study with my lap, so I seeked help online. This internet thingie is really effective. TK kindly agreed to help me print. And he made it known on my notes that he printed them for me. In ultra small print were the words "A favor (sic) made possible by the irresistible super handsome charming cute lively intelligent caring gentlemently super sexy super cool super clever super strong super perfect eyesight super nice nails super cool dude super hearing super big ears TIGERKILLER!!" The height of narcissism, but I can't complain. I did request a favour (note my spelling of favour).
After the KTV session was supper it was only until 12+am that I reached home. First thing I did, come online. Sad, but that's life. Pondered through some maxims by ah9 and airhole, then slowly, I thought through my whole life again. I've detailed that in my MSN spaces, but that's not the point. The point is that I want to live the life I want. And I will get what I want. I hung out online until about 3am. Then studied for test until 4am. Just enough for me to catch two hours of sleep before heading out for school.
Monday. I was in school early cos I hitched a ride from the father. Had breakfast in school. It was a nice feling sitting in the canteen alone and everyone else is also eating quietly alone. I like beehoon. Then I went over AS1 walkway to study, but I ended up half stoned. I was leaning on the table and stoned when suddenly a head popped in front of me. It was Prof Farrell. Yea... Then I felt guilty. I need to really start working on my essay, but with one other essay due on Friday, a presentation on Wednesday, tests on that day itself and another on Thursday, I think the earliest I can actually start penning my essay would be on Thursday night. Damn... I suddenly realise, if I want to get opinions for my essay outline, I need to do it by tonight and email it to him. Oh shit... And I promised to submit some photos onto the eurosoc yahoo group yesterday and I forgot all about it. And I'm supposed to do a write up for them and submit it by today, but I gave another deadline to them if I couldn't meeting Tuesday's deadline, Friday. I have have have to do it by Friday.
Have I missed out anything else? Oh...
Back to what happened on Monday. Prof Farrell recommended coffee. I'm not exactly a coffee person. I only drank coffee (as in one whole cup of brewed coffee, real coffee) twice during my whole year in NUS. That was during a camp when I didn't get to sleep, needed the coffee to push me on. But Monday, I really had to have coffee. So I went to pick up a Latte before my lessons started. It didn't really do me good for the class, I was still stoned, it was only until after the break that the caffeine effected in me. Managed to survive the rest of the day without feeling stoned.
Monday after the coffee things were pretty good. I made a new friend. I did some research. I watched a great movie for my Film and History class and I went home after that. Even getting a bad grade for my little project didn't dampen my spirits. Back home the whole tiarade of work work work set in again. But I had this great chat with a friend online, so was feeling really refreshed. I really thought I could put everything down. I changed my quote to putting down my baggage, in Chinese (there's something wrong with my language bar right now and I can't seem to be able to type the Chinese characters of it). But late into that night, nightmare came back to haunt. First I had this falling out with four letters, then I had this whole mess with five letters. Damnit... Here I am, pleasing four letters without receiving appreciation and in return I get misundersttod and maligned. Sucks! Then after the whole fiasco, five letter came out a changed person. Where was the five letters I once held so dearly onto? Everything now seems so superficial. Lagi sucks man!
That night I piahed through the night working on my Western Political Thought write up, was up the whole night until my sister and parents woke up and my sister went to school. I even managed to eat breakfast before going to bed, at the amazing hour of 8am in the morning. I managed like 8 hours of sleep in 72 hours. Totally crazy...
I slept unsoundly for five hours. Woke up once in between to let a few of my friends who messaged me online know that I'm still sleeping. Then I cleared reading some messages in the bar. Can't remember if I actually replied any or not, but I wasn't soundly asleep that is. I finally woke up after five hours of sleeping even before my alarm clock went off. I cleared some more messages online and in the bar before five letters came online and I knew I was fully awake for sure. Still find things a little different between the past and now, trying to get used to this new five letters. Three letters was also online and I'm glad that things are all where it last was and nothing really changed. Four letter is unhappy with me, still, but I can face my conscience and say that that's not my problem at all, so I'm fine.
I don't know if I can manage any sleep tonight, think I shall prepare more coffee for tomorrow. After this week... Just after this week, everything will be fine once more. Then I shall put up pictures from the West Coast Park trip with the Chinese Drama. We took quite a lot of pictures. On a side note, TK commented that I look thinner in person. Well, that's because I don't do photoshop, and everyone looks bigger in camera. Unlike most other techie-savvy bloggers, I don't do photoshop and to me, the greatest compliment one can pay me about my looks is to say I look like my photos. Anyway, I haven't seen the photos from the West Coast Park trip so remind me to get them from Chun and Jinwei, next week.
And I think I should also make use of the end of this month and formalise a closure for my rough patches since July. Recently I've been reading about how some people put forth their closures. They say it is these closures that gives them the motivation to go on in life. Then again, who should I seek closure from? Three letters? Four letters? Five letters? Six letters? Previously I was saying about the friend I was thanking. I was thinking should I seek a closure from him? He knows everything that has happened, okay, almost everything, so he would understand my whatever decision I make. I don't really want to deal with my problems directly cos I really had too many problems and it makes no sense for me to approach every one of them and seek a closure. Maybe I can seek closure by really sending that friend my nude pictures... diaoz...
Okay, I don't have any nude pictures of myself to speak for so my threats are but empty ones, but then again, having no nude pictures of me now doesn't mean I will never have nude pictures of myself... hehe~ Peiyi gave me a very interesting idea for me to try out. The day I do that stunt shall be the day that marks my closure. Fun and interesting and will scare my friend to wet his pants (with piss or cum, I don't know la... hahaha~)
I'm evil, yes I know.
Damnit... We were talking about this last Saturday. When he used to comfort me he like to say what if there's a guy who likes me lurking in a corner seeing me so pathetic, how would he feel. Now he's saying, what if there's a girl who likes him lurking in a corner seeing me teasing him like that, how would she feel? Well, if there's such a girl, please let me know your existence, I really mean no mallice. yea... Now things are still okay, but if either of us gets attached I think my bf will hate him to pieces and I know his gf will hate me to pieces.
But for now, cheap thrill for me.
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
Girls' Outing!
An outing with the girls~
the cam-whore is back part ii
I'm dividing this post into sections denotated by colour because I'm really going to have losts of pictures to post up. Credit goes to Eunice cos the camera's hers. Mine's somewhere in my hostel room buried under some stuff and I'm at home anyway, so camera's not with me.
Really happy to be able to meet the girls again. It's so long since I had been so giggly and girly and so at ease, not afraid of people slamming me because of various various reasons. It's nice to be a girl all over again.
Food.
This section will be about food.
We went to Delifrance in Taka for lunch. This Delifrance is the revamped Delifrance. They called it Bistro Delifrance, cafe style. And when I say cafe, I mean Cafe Cartel. I was there, stared at menu and was told to write down my orderings on this scrap of paper. My first reaction, "This is so Cartel!".
Fish and Chips ordered by Hamidah.
It looked pretty okay. I didn't get to taste it myself, but Hamidah seemed to be pretty pleased with her meal, so no complains...
Some fish dish ordered by Eunice.
I tried the fish with the sauce, it was pretty rich. Not bad if eaten in small portions but if more of it you can get pretty sick and tired of it easily. The wedges are so so so normal that I don't know if I'm supposed to say I like it or I don't like it.
Some lamb dish ordered by Yingling.
I don't eat mutton, but I did try the mashed potato. It was pretty appetising, the mash potato, with the bacon bits on top. Wait, it isn't bacon bits cos it's halal. hmm... What was it? Anyway, it was pretty nice and squishy for a mashed potato.
Some mushroom and chicken cream pasta ordered by both me and Rozie.
Well, I think I still prefer the chicken cream pasta from Munchie Monkey. The crean of this pasta was so light that I think it could pass of as broth or soup. For a moment I thought I was eating chicken and mushroom noodles. Not a very filling dish too. Can get at Munchie Monkey for half the price, and get double the quantity from Cafe Cartel. But it is still edible.
Sandwich from Delifrance ordered by Zihui.
Did regret a bit about not ordering sandwich. That's the original Delifrance~
Now for the desserts, or stressed...
Crepes with Ice cream.
Looks very yummy. I didn't get to try it, but still it should be okay. I mean yes, the ice cream is not Portofino's but still all other ice cream tastes the same right
Some pastry thingie with ice cream. I had one of those compliments from Yingling and Hamidah who bought them then realised that they couldn't finish them, so Joan got a mouthful of it. Yummy~ At first I thought that it was waffle, and I thought that that waffle was so darn hard so it wasn't as nice as I thought it should be, but it isn't waffle, contary to my ignorance, so knowing that it isn't waffles, I felt more open about enjoying this ice cream. Nice~
Girls.
Those who went included Joan, Eunice, Yingling, Rozie, Zihui, Hamidah, Jasmine who came late. Zihui left early too, Shuhui and Jiadai couldn't make it.
Of those in our clique, one has disappeared. We just never see each other anymore, as in never really sit down and talk, sort of become hi-bye friends, which is very sad. Two are attached, happily attached, I should say. I'm not going to use my maxim on them. I think it's better for them to think that they and their other half are happily together. We've really grown up a lot since our JC days. One of them would agree with me, but she hasn't experienced the worst, so she still has it lucky. Some are still blissfully oblivious, which I think it's really a very good thing.
It's nice to get back together with the girls and act like a girl all over again. It's always comfortable with them. No pretense, no guardedness, no nothing. They are this bunch of very frank people, that I don't need to worry about being overtly OTT or anything, or I can be moody with them, or anything. If they aren't happy with me they would say it out to me, no offense, no nothing. Even after not meeting for so long. No gossips, no nothing. Really cool~ It's hard now to find that many friends you can come bare faced and totally clean with them.
One of them asked about my rough patch, and the enigma behind my MSN nick. I think most of my friends not only them also probe into me my asking about my MSN nick. Yanling and Peiting too, but their story another time, I don't want to mix sad and happy together. To all those who wants to know more about my MSN nick, can read my blog, or my MSN spaces, the link is by the side, help yourselves to it, if you are still kaypoh, approach me. I won't reveal too much. Right now, I don't think any one friend knows the whole story. Maybe Jinwei comes close, and my rough patches know at least their sides of the story, then would be Peiting and Yanling whom I told about the enigma of my MSN nick without details to protect the identities of the innocents, a very heavily censored version. Then here and there some people know some thing, but not more than 10% here and there. I think I'm still very guarded about them, or at least I gave my word not to say.
back to the girls. Nobody really changed that much from what you can see in the pictures. Jasmine's still a babe, I really like taking photos with her cos I know the photos will definitely turn out absolutely fabulous. Zihui's still so cutting, but nothing malicious about her, just frank, direct, and blunt. Yingling, Rozie and Eunice still act as my caretakers, so motherly towards me. Hamidah's just as bright, and her intership sounds just so cool. Joan? She's still that high when she's high, but she's not that high that often already.
I think I shall post this entry up first. more on my cam whoring another day, I think I need to shrink those pictures first, they are so damn huge. And I've maxed out two of my flickr accounts already, so I'll be resizing my cam-whoring pictures then post them up another time via my very last flickr account. Or maybe I should just create another account when time comes.
Well, those who pop by my blog today really have got a nice big eyeful of Joan. Joan's really taking the trouble to make herself look nice in going out. And I realised that I was wearing the same top in both days, and the same hat, but different skirts. haha~ Think I look like I'm gaining weight, but who cares... I'm just more huggable~
I still have more pictures in my handphone bluetoothed over from Jinwei, also must give him credit, his handphone camera's great, but I don't have my cable with me now, maybe I will put them up together with the resized photos of the girls' outing. Maybe... haha~
On a side note, I know you do like my eyes and smile, these photos are posted for you, to see more of my eyes and smile. Both are gleaming so brightly, but none as bright as the pictures taken with you. I do have my happy times too, and not always the unhappy me as seen in my MSN space. I've kepts these pictures in their original sized, if you want you can download them although I think most probably you won't, it's okay...
the cam-whore is back part ii
I'm dividing this post into sections denotated by colour because I'm really going to have losts of pictures to post up. Credit goes to Eunice cos the camera's hers. Mine's somewhere in my hostel room buried under some stuff and I'm at home anyway, so camera's not with me.
Really happy to be able to meet the girls again. It's so long since I had been so giggly and girly and so at ease, not afraid of people slamming me because of various various reasons. It's nice to be a girl all over again.
Food.
This section will be about food.
We went to Delifrance in Taka for lunch. This Delifrance is the revamped Delifrance. They called it Bistro Delifrance, cafe style. And when I say cafe, I mean Cafe Cartel. I was there, stared at menu and was told to write down my orderings on this scrap of paper. My first reaction, "This is so Cartel!".
Fish and Chips ordered by Hamidah.
It looked pretty okay. I didn't get to taste it myself, but Hamidah seemed to be pretty pleased with her meal, so no complains...
Some fish dish ordered by Eunice.
I tried the fish with the sauce, it was pretty rich. Not bad if eaten in small portions but if more of it you can get pretty sick and tired of it easily. The wedges are so so so normal that I don't know if I'm supposed to say I like it or I don't like it.
Some lamb dish ordered by Yingling.
I don't eat mutton, but I did try the mashed potato. It was pretty appetising, the mash potato, with the bacon bits on top. Wait, it isn't bacon bits cos it's halal. hmm... What was it? Anyway, it was pretty nice and squishy for a mashed potato.
Some mushroom and chicken cream pasta ordered by both me and Rozie.
Well, I think I still prefer the chicken cream pasta from Munchie Monkey. The crean of this pasta was so light that I think it could pass of as broth or soup. For a moment I thought I was eating chicken and mushroom noodles. Not a very filling dish too. Can get at Munchie Monkey for half the price, and get double the quantity from Cafe Cartel. But it is still edible.
Sandwich from Delifrance ordered by Zihui.
Did regret a bit about not ordering sandwich. That's the original Delifrance~
Now for the desserts, or stressed...
Crepes with Ice cream.
Looks very yummy. I didn't get to try it, but still it should be okay. I mean yes, the ice cream is not Portofino's but still all other ice cream tastes the same right
Some pastry thingie with ice cream. I had one of those compliments from Yingling and Hamidah who bought them then realised that they couldn't finish them, so Joan got a mouthful of it. Yummy~ At first I thought that it was waffle, and I thought that that waffle was so darn hard so it wasn't as nice as I thought it should be, but it isn't waffle, contary to my ignorance, so knowing that it isn't waffles, I felt more open about enjoying this ice cream. Nice~
Girls.
Those who went included Joan, Eunice, Yingling, Rozie, Zihui, Hamidah, Jasmine who came late. Zihui left early too, Shuhui and Jiadai couldn't make it.
Of those in our clique, one has disappeared. We just never see each other anymore, as in never really sit down and talk, sort of become hi-bye friends, which is very sad. Two are attached, happily attached, I should say. I'm not going to use my maxim on them. I think it's better for them to think that they and their other half are happily together. We've really grown up a lot since our JC days. One of them would agree with me, but she hasn't experienced the worst, so she still has it lucky. Some are still blissfully oblivious, which I think it's really a very good thing.
It's nice to get back together with the girls and act like a girl all over again. It's always comfortable with them. No pretense, no guardedness, no nothing. They are this bunch of very frank people, that I don't need to worry about being overtly OTT or anything, or I can be moody with them, or anything. If they aren't happy with me they would say it out to me, no offense, no nothing. Even after not meeting for so long. No gossips, no nothing. Really cool~ It's hard now to find that many friends you can come bare faced and totally clean with them.
One of them asked about my rough patch, and the enigma behind my MSN nick. I think most of my friends not only them also probe into me my asking about my MSN nick. Yanling and Peiting too, but their story another time, I don't want to mix sad and happy together. To all those who wants to know more about my MSN nick, can read my blog, or my MSN spaces, the link is by the side, help yourselves to it, if you are still kaypoh, approach me. I won't reveal too much. Right now, I don't think any one friend knows the whole story. Maybe Jinwei comes close, and my rough patches know at least their sides of the story, then would be Peiting and Yanling whom I told about the enigma of my MSN nick without details to protect the identities of the innocents, a very heavily censored version. Then here and there some people know some thing, but not more than 10% here and there. I think I'm still very guarded about them, or at least I gave my word not to say.
back to the girls. Nobody really changed that much from what you can see in the pictures. Jasmine's still a babe, I really like taking photos with her cos I know the photos will definitely turn out absolutely fabulous. Zihui's still so cutting, but nothing malicious about her, just frank, direct, and blunt. Yingling, Rozie and Eunice still act as my caretakers, so motherly towards me. Hamidah's just as bright, and her intership sounds just so cool. Joan? She's still that high when she's high, but she's not that high that often already.
I think I shall post this entry up first. more on my cam whoring another day, I think I need to shrink those pictures first, they are so damn huge. And I've maxed out two of my flickr accounts already, so I'll be resizing my cam-whoring pictures then post them up another time via my very last flickr account. Or maybe I should just create another account when time comes.
Well, those who pop by my blog today really have got a nice big eyeful of Joan. Joan's really taking the trouble to make herself look nice in going out. And I realised that I was wearing the same top in both days, and the same hat, but different skirts. haha~ Think I look like I'm gaining weight, but who cares... I'm just more huggable~
I still have more pictures in my handphone bluetoothed over from Jinwei, also must give him credit, his handphone camera's great, but I don't have my cable with me now, maybe I will put them up together with the resized photos of the girls' outing. Maybe... haha~
On a side note, I know you do like my eyes and smile, these photos are posted for you, to see more of my eyes and smile. Both are gleaming so brightly, but none as bright as the pictures taken with you. I do have my happy times too, and not always the unhappy me as seen in my MSN space. I've kepts these pictures in their original sized, if you want you can download them although I think most probably you won't, it's okay...
Goodbye Zhangting!
Goodbye Zhangting Shushu~
the cam-whore is back part i
Zhangting and Joan...
With a whole slew of Zhangtings coming up next...
Zhangting and Jinwei
Zhangting and Xiaoping
Chenqing and Zhangting...
How come this picture Zhangting not standing on the left leh? Hmm... Maybe Chenqing special ba... wahaha~
Zhangting and Weijia
Zhangting and Wanjing
Zhangting and Honghui
My Laoban and his Laoban... The battle of the Laobans~ wahaha~
Zhangting and Kaixin
Zhangting and Xiuming
The reason why there are so many of Zhangting's pictures is not that he is very popular with us but because these are from Zhangting's camera, so naturally he was going to whore in his camera, isn't he? hehe~ Nah... Give him more credit ba... (and a joke he always like to use, "thank you for the money (credit=money)"... hehe~) Don't know when would be the next time we would see each other again... Of course, there is still a possibility that I might have time to send him off on his flight, but you know what I mean...
Okay, now for the rest of the whoring pictures...
Joan and Zhichun, their normal selves, so act cute~
I cannot resist putting up a shuai picture of my dearest Jinwei. wahaha~ Why is he suddenly do deep in thought? What is he talking about that Joan and Kenny got so wrapped up with him? What is it that even the cold cold Laoban Honghui couldn't resist peering over at Jinwei?
The dinner table part i
The dinner table part ii
The dinner table part i+ii=iii
The remnants of the old committee
Zhangting and the new committee, or whatever's there of it.
Can you just see the difference in the energy level of the two committees? It's easy to tell which is the younger batch, isn't it? hahaha~
If you need more proof, here it is...
Zhangting and the new committee
The last photo with Zhangting Shushu...
The dinner was disappointing. I mean, dinner at Rice Table, and I don't take spicy food. It's ironic that we were eating at Rice Table as Zhangting's farewell, cos Zhangting himself is not a spicy food eater, or not a big one. But he did eat himself full, after all it was pretty much like the fabled last meal. hehehe~ It was a pretty interesting dinner as I found out that someone I thought I knew very well was also a non-spicy food eater which kinda surprised me. Everyone knows that I don't touch spicy food, but I didn't expect that many people to be also non-spicy food eaters as me. At least, not that big eater and fan of vanilla ice...
Okay, I'm digressing. I'm supposed to be talking about Zhangting! He's the subject~ He's Da Man~ The man who single handedly brought up Chinese Drama. I might be disappointed with its turnout, but there's no denying that he was the one who brought me into the nucleus of the club and brought me to regain my passion for drama. It'd be sad to see him leave. But well, he does have his reasons, and I will support him all the way!
All the best~
the cam-whore is back part i
Zhangting and Joan...
With a whole slew of Zhangtings coming up next...
Zhangting and Jinwei
Zhangting and Xiaoping
Chenqing and Zhangting...
How come this picture Zhangting not standing on the left leh? Hmm... Maybe Chenqing special ba... wahaha~
Zhangting and Weijia
Zhangting and Wanjing
Zhangting and Honghui
My Laoban and his Laoban... The battle of the Laobans~ wahaha~
Zhangting and Kaixin
Zhangting and Xiuming
The reason why there are so many of Zhangting's pictures is not that he is very popular with us but because these are from Zhangting's camera, so naturally he was going to whore in his camera, isn't he? hehe~ Nah... Give him more credit ba... (and a joke he always like to use, "thank you for the money (credit=money)"... hehe~) Don't know when would be the next time we would see each other again... Of course, there is still a possibility that I might have time to send him off on his flight, but you know what I mean...
Okay, now for the rest of the whoring pictures...
Joan and Zhichun, their normal selves, so act cute~
I cannot resist putting up a shuai picture of my dearest Jinwei. wahaha~ Why is he suddenly do deep in thought? What is he talking about that Joan and Kenny got so wrapped up with him? What is it that even the cold cold Laoban Honghui couldn't resist peering over at Jinwei?
The dinner table part i
The dinner table part ii
The dinner table part i+ii=iii
The remnants of the old committee
Zhangting and the new committee, or whatever's there of it.
Can you just see the difference in the energy level of the two committees? It's easy to tell which is the younger batch, isn't it? hahaha~
If you need more proof, here it is...
Zhangting and the new committee
The last photo with Zhangting Shushu...
The dinner was disappointing. I mean, dinner at Rice Table, and I don't take spicy food. It's ironic that we were eating at Rice Table as Zhangting's farewell, cos Zhangting himself is not a spicy food eater, or not a big one. But he did eat himself full, after all it was pretty much like the fabled last meal. hehehe~ It was a pretty interesting dinner as I found out that someone I thought I knew very well was also a non-spicy food eater which kinda surprised me. Everyone knows that I don't touch spicy food, but I didn't expect that many people to be also non-spicy food eaters as me. At least, not that big eater and fan of vanilla ice...
Okay, I'm digressing. I'm supposed to be talking about Zhangting! He's the subject~ He's Da Man~ The man who single handedly brought up Chinese Drama. I might be disappointed with its turnout, but there's no denying that he was the one who brought me into the nucleus of the club and brought me to regain my passion for drama. It'd be sad to see him leave. But well, he does have his reasons, and I will support him all the way!
All the best~
Saturday, September 17, 2005
心灰意冷
xin hui yi leng
A possible translation for that can be disheartened, but I don't think I'm really feeling that disheartened, I'm feeling a lot more than disheartened. Add in some disappointment, and a tinge of loss, and the feeling of giving up all hope. Yes, that will be xin hui yi leng. Translating that literally, my heart has turned grey, and my thoughts all cold and numbed. I'm feeling just about that. So much so that I'm really tempted to just give up and forget about everything. Forget about all that I've held so steadfastly upon for a good whole eight years.
This affair started when I was in Secondary 1, in Dunman High School. I had a choice between two, and I was torn between them. Chinese Drama Society and English Drama Society. In the end, I chose Chinese Drama Society because, it was more well established in the school, received better funding and annually held a production at Kallang Theatre. I was comfortable with either language, although I must say I was better conversing in English at that time, but I thought language wouldn't matter, it is the drama that we were doing, the theatre. I looked forward to that. I couldn't wait to be taking the stage, be it as an actress or behind the stage as a crew. I was really excited. I knew that was what I wanted.
Things weren't as rosy as it seemed then. In Dunman High, the Chinese Drama Society was spilt into two major groups, Drama and Dance. I was sent to dance, mainly because I was a girl, quite flexible, and the dance group lacked members. I still wanted to do drama. In the end, I struggled to cope with both dance and drama, but I wasn't happy. Yes, I liked dancing, but I preferred drama, but because of my commitments to dance, I wasn't able to do as much drama as I wished.
Secondary 1.
I remembered being given a rather important role in dance, and was put in a group with a couple of seniors because I was tall, and comparatively more flexible. But because of that, I didn't manage to be part of the production team. Unlike the other members, I wasn't slated a backstage role. I was disappointed. But I had to accept that because of my commitments to dance. Yes, the dance was fun, but there was something lacking.
Secondary 2.
Another year which disappointed me. Again, it was because of my commitments to dance that I failed to be able to take part in a role, of any sort in drama. Even the backstage role which I was slated in was something related to dance. I did make up. Not that I don't like doing make up, it was just that I felt that I wasn't doing something that I set out to do right from the start. I started regret joing dance, not because I didn't like it, but because it wasn't what I preferred.
Secondary 3.
This year our Chinese Drama group took part in a schoolwide production, Kaleidoscope. Dance took part, but not drama. Instead drama put up a mini performance in the school hall. That was my first chance taking the stage with the drama people. By the way, I too had took the stage for Kaleidoscope, I did makeup and there too, but that's not the point. I can't remember how I got the role for that short play. I think it was because the seniors knew how much I wanted to really take part in a performance with the drama group.
It was not easy preparing for that play. I put in al my effort and time. I acted as an angel to this protagonist. It wasn't my cup of tea, but it was fun. And I got to wear a very nice costume. But the disappointment was still about the scale of the performance. The turnout rate was neligible. I thought I would rather be doing an assembly performance and get a larger audience, but still I was doing what I like, so there was no complains from me.
In the same year, I went for a camp organised by the NUS Chinese Studies and some clan association. It was supposed to be a Chinese Cultural camp. But we did some acting in it. I snagged the best actress award. And my group snagged the best group award. I have my group leader to thank. Hong Limin. He was a leader who led by pushing us, he took control of everything and only wanted the best from us. It was great. The greater part was the short play we put up. Other groups played with cross dressing and crude jokes, but our group didn't. I think I was the only actress who didn't cross dress and played a memorable role. I guess that was my reason for winning.
I didn't get to join the camp by chance. There was only four places per school. I got the chance to join that camp as part of a dance member. A senior opened up this space and asked who wanted to join. I wanted. And so did another dance friend of mine. My memory of that incident remains as clear as it was how it felt to me. The senior was biased against me and had wanted to give the chance to the other person who wanted to go. But luckily another senior suggested that me and the other should sissors paper stone, then let the winner have the chance for the camp. I was lucky.
At the end of that year, there was another camp. A Chinese Drama camp organised by national Arts Theatre. Some of the people in my drama group had gone the year before and thought the best out of it. I went. But this time there wasn't a fight, we were given enough places to go. It was my first time working with an actual theatre group. I like my group in this camp too. We cliqued well. We put in all our efforts in learning and acting. But the night of the showcase performance, our group remained mediocre. It wasn't that we were bad, but we weren't the best. We were good, just not good enough. In the prize giving session, our group remained elusive. Not a single prize when our group was good. I remember the disappointment on all our faces. It sucked.
I was given a chance to play a rather important role in our showcase performance. It didn't come easy, as usual. I wasn't that impressive to my tutor in the beginning. I was shy, quiet, and not your usual over the top actress, but in one exercise, my tutor changed her mind. It was a scene of receiving a phone call. According to my tutor, I managed to chow a change in emotions very well. And it was due to tha exercise that she cast me in the role for that showcase performance. Till this day, I remember that exercise as one which gave me the confidence to carry on with my drama. I know that I am good
Secondary 4.
I continued helping National Arts Theatre on an ad-hoc basis. With them, I did front of house, and some backstage help. I spoke to the boss of the theatre during my stint there and got to know other theatre people. But maybe it was my nature that I'm not the kind who'd thick-skinly get to know everyone that I didn't remain in close contat with anyone there. It's also because maybe our friendship couldn't stand the test of time. This remains one of my regrets.
Back in Dunman High, our annual performance was to be held in Jubilee hall this year. I was obviously dancing. But I wanted to act too. There was this music play new kind of theatre form that we were dying to test out. The director of the play wanted to incorporate us dancers into the play because we all along didn't really have the chance to do much acting. She originally wanted us dancers to play the role of this group of office workers.
I should be glad that I was given the chance to act, but I wanted more than being stuck in some ensemble role. I knew that being labelled as a dancer wouldn't get me far in my passion in drama. I spoke to the director. I told her I wanted to try out for the role as a mother. She told me that I looked like a confident office worker that was why she casted me as such. But I was persistent, and she granted me an audition, together with the others she'd selected to act as the mother. I won the audition in the end. It wasn't much of a competition actually. It was pretty obvious that I was better than the others. Anyway, that was really an opportunity that changed my whole life in the Chinese Drama Society.
In the Society, usually drama people and dance people didn't get the chance to interact much, especially with the juniors, but because of my new found role, I got the chance to get to know a lot more about the juniors there. Because of the long hours of rehearsals, I got pretty close to this junior of mine and I consider that junior to be one of my favourites. We still kept in contact after I left the school, and even till last year we still contacted each other occasionally. It's really a pity that our friendship couldn't stand the test of time. Was it my fault? I don't know.
In that production, I too took up backstage role, but my role was limited again to the dance affiliated role of costumes. It wasn't much fun to me as I took my job as it is. Because of my commitment to drama, I didn't get the chance to get to know more about the other dance juniors. It ws just a matter or prioritising, I can't have everything.
Then I graduated from Dunman High.
In my first three months, I went to Victoria Junior College. I did Theatre Studies there. Finally, I was examining theatre not just as a practical, but also it's theory. I learnt a lot in my brief three months there, a lot more that I learnt for four years in Dunman High. They were professionals that I was meeting. Even the seniors, their life was theatre. I was in awe. I wanted my life to be like that too. As I mentioned before, I was more comfortable in the English language rather than the Chinese, so this was the first time I was doing something I felt so much for in my preferred tongue. I was happy. Plain happy. But happy times did not last. I succumbed to the failings of my results. I did not manage to stay in VJ after the first three months.
In VJ, I also went to audition for a role with their Chinese Society. A senior there had caught my act the year before as a mother and liked my performance so he recommended me for a role there. But the tutor with VJ's Chinese Society did not like my Chinese. He told be bluntly that there is a gap between my command of the Chinese language and the other actors who were all Chinese Nationals. I think it was since that that I really despised the PRCs. It wasn't my fault that I was bad, but it was them who made me look bad. And that tutor hadn't given me a chance to redeem myself at all. I feel sorry to that senior who recommended me, his trust in me was misplaced.
After the fiasco with VJ, I wanted to just drop out of the junior college system. I considered my options, and La Salle was a pretty attractive option. English Drama full time seemed really appealling. I too had gone and watched some of their performances they they put up and I like the kind of stuff that they were doing. My family was against it. My dad told me to at least get my A Levels, then drama can be put on hold. He promised me that if I really wanted to pursue a degree in drama, I do it after my A Levels, he'll send me to Australia, I can do whatever I wanted there. With that thought, I relented.
I went to Temasek Junior College. I joined their Chinese Cultural Club. I was lucky that I managed to snag this role in the school's Mardi Gras event. I had no complains about the seniors there. Most of them were experienced having been in Chinese Drama since from Secondary School. Most were from Anglican High which I knew about the reputation. I wasn't unhappy working under them.
Later in the year, we had classes taught by Guo Qingliang. I learnt a lot from him and slowly I regained my interest in the Chinese part of drama. I also got the opportunity to go on an attachment with Dramabox during my holidays and came close to professional theatre once again. I learnt a lot about the workings in a theatre company. I interacted a lot with the people working in the production Fugitive. I talked a lot with Angeline Soh, the Assistant Stage Manager who was a VJ TSD Alumni, and talked to the costume desinger about the differences between Chinese and English drama scene locally. I also got to talk a lot to those who were doing drama only because it was Chinese. Through them, I identified my path in which I wanted to proceed.
For out annual Temasek Nite, I applied to do lights but was rejected. They thought that I was more of a publicity person because I was loud mouthed and enthusiatic. I was also stabbed by someone I thought I could trust. Office politics. Not something I was adequate about. I also attempted in scriptwriting. But it didn't get through because of a personal animosity with someone there. This brings back to my earlier story of the junior I was close with back in Dunman High. Sick and tired of these personal grudges and bickering, I stuck to my publicity role and appealled to help out with lights too cos of my knowledge in it.
I was the lights designer for the long play in the production. And headed the publicity team in poster design and some simple marketing. It was a fun experience, and brought me closer to the juniors, in both my lights teams and my pub team. I tried to steer myself away from the bickerings and the personal unhappiness of everybody there, and other than that I was very happy. I was so busy in the month leading towards that production that I lost 8kg. I'll never forget that production. I regained the body that I once so prided. I was myself all over again.
Even after my graduation, I manged to stay in contact with my juniors and even went back to help them out a couple of times. I watched them rehearse and everything, albeit away from those peskies who too went back. I remained parallel from them, but I was happy. I wasn't idling my time away.
Then came my big decision. Australia or NUS. I decided NUS. The only reason I chose NUS is because of my results. I did very well for my A Levels. Exceeding my expectations. Before I received my results I had a agreement with my dad, if I couldn't get into NUS, I'd head off for Australia doing Theatre and Drama, some performing arts course, but when I received my results, I knew NUS was the next plausible option. Unlike some of my classmates who had to go through interviews to get into NUS FASS, I got my place early and guaranteed. I was so set out for that that that was my only choice I filled in. If I didn't get it, very impossible, I'd head straight to Australia, no need for second thoughts.
In NUS, there were two Chinese Drama choices which I can choose from. With the Chinese Society or with CFA. I chose the one with CFA because I'd meet personal animosities with the Chinese Society, and also because I was tired of doing things like dance or literature or other things not related to drama. When I first joined Chinese Drama with CFA, I was a bit disappointed. It seemed to be that it was a PRC dominated thing and was very amateur. But after talking to the seniors there, my fears were slowly displaced. I saw their passion for drama. And that got me going.
I helped out in their production beginning this year as a sound crew member and really learnt a lot from my Laoban, but as the cycle goes, the seniors will one day step down, and we will have to take up the reins of continuing the club.
At first I was very psyched up in my new role. I had a swanky title, Media Resouces and Logistics Manager. I thought that this group of fellow members I was working with would be people I could work with. We share similar interests. We knew each other before we got together. But as time goes on, it is clear that my idea of Chinese Drama and theirs is totally different. This resulted in my title.
The first time i felt this way was during our debate on what is our focus. Is it Chinese DRAMA or CHINESE drama? Everyone except me agreed that if this was merely a drama group, they wouldn't have joined, it was only because this was a chinese group that they joined. I saw the first cracks of rifts between us. I'm just a simple girl who wants to do drama, I don't care if it's English or Chinese. Although sometimes I think that I might be happier doing English drama, it is also due to the bureaucracies of English drama that made me come to love the Chinese drama that I'm with for eight years counting.
The came more blows. The Chinese Drama committee agreed that they were not experienced and did not see themselves as in a position to guide the juniors. That really did me in.That wasn't the mentality that I wanted to have in the first place.
Slowly examining my fellow committee members, I really have nothing to say about them. Everything that I want to say has all dissloved in my grey heart and cold thoughts. Out of the eight of us, only one person was with drama for as long a time as me. but even himself cannot maych my credentials with experienced schools in the Chinese Drama scene for the amount of time, and neither did he go for camps and attachments. Yes, some of them might have taken Theatre Studies as a module in NUS, but as a senior from VJ's TSD said, you can't really learn much in NUS. It's totally different.
Five of them only started doing drama last year. One was with drama since JC. And this inadequacy spilled so obviously with the current intake of Chinese Drama freshies. One said, "We cannot teach the freshies stuff because we don't know much ourselves." So this is what they think, they don't know much. Actually, I can just take over everything and run the show myself, I know, at least I know my stuff about drama, but I didn't do anything about it. I've been talking lesser and lesser during meetings, because I really have no heart to see anything else already. If this is such, then so be it.
I was talking to the only other experienced member in the committee. He said, "As time goes on, the more I want to hold on the drama, I find myself losing it. I find that since joining Chinese Drama's committee, I'm doing more and more administrative work and I found myself straying further and further from the stage."
I might have just pushed myself through this last year with Chinese Drama, but after yesterday's committee meeting, I gave up all hope of enthusiasm. They agreed that they were amateur, and wanted to go into the cycle of school productions.
In the school Chinese Drama scene, the one heading the pack now is Hwa Chong. Not other school can come close to HC in terms of experience and results. I don't want to be compared to HC, now that I'm in NUS. I want to be compared with the theatre companies and not with schools. I can say, I have more experience than anybody in HC, so why do I want to be put on par with them? This doesn't tally. But then again, comparing the other committee members, I have to admit that save for one, the others really cannot match up to HC.
This really wasn't what I wanted when I first started out.
This wasn't what I was assured with when I first started out.
Where can I go in search of my own sky?
I have come to dread the February production. UCC Theatre or not, I know what I'm going to see is not something I want to see.
PS: I can't believe this turned out to be a 3 579 word entry. But every single word comes out fromthe bottom of my heart. If I have wronged anyone, I'm taking no blame cos if you think I've wronged you, then I really feel that you should be wronged. I don't want to be stingy with my flinches. I'm too tired to think anymore. I just want everything to just go by. Maybe right from the start Chinese Drama was a wrong choice. I should have just went in straight to English Drama and slowly work up the ranks. At least then I know where my orders are coming from. I can say very honestly here, in terms of drama, I only give one person somewhat of respect and he's not even my president. sucks... I feel sucky about this myself, but there's really nothing I can do about it myself...
A possible translation for that can be disheartened, but I don't think I'm really feeling that disheartened, I'm feeling a lot more than disheartened. Add in some disappointment, and a tinge of loss, and the feeling of giving up all hope. Yes, that will be xin hui yi leng. Translating that literally, my heart has turned grey, and my thoughts all cold and numbed. I'm feeling just about that. So much so that I'm really tempted to just give up and forget about everything. Forget about all that I've held so steadfastly upon for a good whole eight years.
This affair started when I was in Secondary 1, in Dunman High School. I had a choice between two, and I was torn between them. Chinese Drama Society and English Drama Society. In the end, I chose Chinese Drama Society because, it was more well established in the school, received better funding and annually held a production at Kallang Theatre. I was comfortable with either language, although I must say I was better conversing in English at that time, but I thought language wouldn't matter, it is the drama that we were doing, the theatre. I looked forward to that. I couldn't wait to be taking the stage, be it as an actress or behind the stage as a crew. I was really excited. I knew that was what I wanted.
Things weren't as rosy as it seemed then. In Dunman High, the Chinese Drama Society was spilt into two major groups, Drama and Dance. I was sent to dance, mainly because I was a girl, quite flexible, and the dance group lacked members. I still wanted to do drama. In the end, I struggled to cope with both dance and drama, but I wasn't happy. Yes, I liked dancing, but I preferred drama, but because of my commitments to dance, I wasn't able to do as much drama as I wished.
Secondary 1.
I remembered being given a rather important role in dance, and was put in a group with a couple of seniors because I was tall, and comparatively more flexible. But because of that, I didn't manage to be part of the production team. Unlike the other members, I wasn't slated a backstage role. I was disappointed. But I had to accept that because of my commitments to dance. Yes, the dance was fun, but there was something lacking.
Secondary 2.
Another year which disappointed me. Again, it was because of my commitments to dance that I failed to be able to take part in a role, of any sort in drama. Even the backstage role which I was slated in was something related to dance. I did make up. Not that I don't like doing make up, it was just that I felt that I wasn't doing something that I set out to do right from the start. I started regret joing dance, not because I didn't like it, but because it wasn't what I preferred.
Secondary 3.
This year our Chinese Drama group took part in a schoolwide production, Kaleidoscope. Dance took part, but not drama. Instead drama put up a mini performance in the school hall. That was my first chance taking the stage with the drama people. By the way, I too had took the stage for Kaleidoscope, I did makeup and there too, but that's not the point. I can't remember how I got the role for that short play. I think it was because the seniors knew how much I wanted to really take part in a performance with the drama group.
It was not easy preparing for that play. I put in al my effort and time. I acted as an angel to this protagonist. It wasn't my cup of tea, but it was fun. And I got to wear a very nice costume. But the disappointment was still about the scale of the performance. The turnout rate was neligible. I thought I would rather be doing an assembly performance and get a larger audience, but still I was doing what I like, so there was no complains from me.
In the same year, I went for a camp organised by the NUS Chinese Studies and some clan association. It was supposed to be a Chinese Cultural camp. But we did some acting in it. I snagged the best actress award. And my group snagged the best group award. I have my group leader to thank. Hong Limin. He was a leader who led by pushing us, he took control of everything and only wanted the best from us. It was great. The greater part was the short play we put up. Other groups played with cross dressing and crude jokes, but our group didn't. I think I was the only actress who didn't cross dress and played a memorable role. I guess that was my reason for winning.
I didn't get to join the camp by chance. There was only four places per school. I got the chance to join that camp as part of a dance member. A senior opened up this space and asked who wanted to join. I wanted. And so did another dance friend of mine. My memory of that incident remains as clear as it was how it felt to me. The senior was biased against me and had wanted to give the chance to the other person who wanted to go. But luckily another senior suggested that me and the other should sissors paper stone, then let the winner have the chance for the camp. I was lucky.
At the end of that year, there was another camp. A Chinese Drama camp organised by national Arts Theatre. Some of the people in my drama group had gone the year before and thought the best out of it. I went. But this time there wasn't a fight, we were given enough places to go. It was my first time working with an actual theatre group. I like my group in this camp too. We cliqued well. We put in all our efforts in learning and acting. But the night of the showcase performance, our group remained mediocre. It wasn't that we were bad, but we weren't the best. We were good, just not good enough. In the prize giving session, our group remained elusive. Not a single prize when our group was good. I remember the disappointment on all our faces. It sucked.
I was given a chance to play a rather important role in our showcase performance. It didn't come easy, as usual. I wasn't that impressive to my tutor in the beginning. I was shy, quiet, and not your usual over the top actress, but in one exercise, my tutor changed her mind. It was a scene of receiving a phone call. According to my tutor, I managed to chow a change in emotions very well. And it was due to tha exercise that she cast me in the role for that showcase performance. Till this day, I remember that exercise as one which gave me the confidence to carry on with my drama. I know that I am good
Secondary 4.
I continued helping National Arts Theatre on an ad-hoc basis. With them, I did front of house, and some backstage help. I spoke to the boss of the theatre during my stint there and got to know other theatre people. But maybe it was my nature that I'm not the kind who'd thick-skinly get to know everyone that I didn't remain in close contat with anyone there. It's also because maybe our friendship couldn't stand the test of time. This remains one of my regrets.
Back in Dunman High, our annual performance was to be held in Jubilee hall this year. I was obviously dancing. But I wanted to act too. There was this music play new kind of theatre form that we were dying to test out. The director of the play wanted to incorporate us dancers into the play because we all along didn't really have the chance to do much acting. She originally wanted us dancers to play the role of this group of office workers.
I should be glad that I was given the chance to act, but I wanted more than being stuck in some ensemble role. I knew that being labelled as a dancer wouldn't get me far in my passion in drama. I spoke to the director. I told her I wanted to try out for the role as a mother. She told me that I looked like a confident office worker that was why she casted me as such. But I was persistent, and she granted me an audition, together with the others she'd selected to act as the mother. I won the audition in the end. It wasn't much of a competition actually. It was pretty obvious that I was better than the others. Anyway, that was really an opportunity that changed my whole life in the Chinese Drama Society.
In the Society, usually drama people and dance people didn't get the chance to interact much, especially with the juniors, but because of my new found role, I got the chance to get to know a lot more about the juniors there. Because of the long hours of rehearsals, I got pretty close to this junior of mine and I consider that junior to be one of my favourites. We still kept in contact after I left the school, and even till last year we still contacted each other occasionally. It's really a pity that our friendship couldn't stand the test of time. Was it my fault? I don't know.
In that production, I too took up backstage role, but my role was limited again to the dance affiliated role of costumes. It wasn't much fun to me as I took my job as it is. Because of my commitment to drama, I didn't get the chance to get to know more about the other dance juniors. It ws just a matter or prioritising, I can't have everything.
Then I graduated from Dunman High.
In my first three months, I went to Victoria Junior College. I did Theatre Studies there. Finally, I was examining theatre not just as a practical, but also it's theory. I learnt a lot in my brief three months there, a lot more that I learnt for four years in Dunman High. They were professionals that I was meeting. Even the seniors, their life was theatre. I was in awe. I wanted my life to be like that too. As I mentioned before, I was more comfortable in the English language rather than the Chinese, so this was the first time I was doing something I felt so much for in my preferred tongue. I was happy. Plain happy. But happy times did not last. I succumbed to the failings of my results. I did not manage to stay in VJ after the first three months.
In VJ, I also went to audition for a role with their Chinese Society. A senior there had caught my act the year before as a mother and liked my performance so he recommended me for a role there. But the tutor with VJ's Chinese Society did not like my Chinese. He told be bluntly that there is a gap between my command of the Chinese language and the other actors who were all Chinese Nationals. I think it was since that that I really despised the PRCs. It wasn't my fault that I was bad, but it was them who made me look bad. And that tutor hadn't given me a chance to redeem myself at all. I feel sorry to that senior who recommended me, his trust in me was misplaced.
After the fiasco with VJ, I wanted to just drop out of the junior college system. I considered my options, and La Salle was a pretty attractive option. English Drama full time seemed really appealling. I too had gone and watched some of their performances they they put up and I like the kind of stuff that they were doing. My family was against it. My dad told me to at least get my A Levels, then drama can be put on hold. He promised me that if I really wanted to pursue a degree in drama, I do it after my A Levels, he'll send me to Australia, I can do whatever I wanted there. With that thought, I relented.
I went to Temasek Junior College. I joined their Chinese Cultural Club. I was lucky that I managed to snag this role in the school's Mardi Gras event. I had no complains about the seniors there. Most of them were experienced having been in Chinese Drama since from Secondary School. Most were from Anglican High which I knew about the reputation. I wasn't unhappy working under them.
Later in the year, we had classes taught by Guo Qingliang. I learnt a lot from him and slowly I regained my interest in the Chinese part of drama. I also got the opportunity to go on an attachment with Dramabox during my holidays and came close to professional theatre once again. I learnt a lot about the workings in a theatre company. I interacted a lot with the people working in the production Fugitive. I talked a lot with Angeline Soh, the Assistant Stage Manager who was a VJ TSD Alumni, and talked to the costume desinger about the differences between Chinese and English drama scene locally. I also got to talk a lot to those who were doing drama only because it was Chinese. Through them, I identified my path in which I wanted to proceed.
For out annual Temasek Nite, I applied to do lights but was rejected. They thought that I was more of a publicity person because I was loud mouthed and enthusiatic. I was also stabbed by someone I thought I could trust. Office politics. Not something I was adequate about. I also attempted in scriptwriting. But it didn't get through because of a personal animosity with someone there. This brings back to my earlier story of the junior I was close with back in Dunman High. Sick and tired of these personal grudges and bickering, I stuck to my publicity role and appealled to help out with lights too cos of my knowledge in it.
I was the lights designer for the long play in the production. And headed the publicity team in poster design and some simple marketing. It was a fun experience, and brought me closer to the juniors, in both my lights teams and my pub team. I tried to steer myself away from the bickerings and the personal unhappiness of everybody there, and other than that I was very happy. I was so busy in the month leading towards that production that I lost 8kg. I'll never forget that production. I regained the body that I once so prided. I was myself all over again.
Even after my graduation, I manged to stay in contact with my juniors and even went back to help them out a couple of times. I watched them rehearse and everything, albeit away from those peskies who too went back. I remained parallel from them, but I was happy. I wasn't idling my time away.
Then came my big decision. Australia or NUS. I decided NUS. The only reason I chose NUS is because of my results. I did very well for my A Levels. Exceeding my expectations. Before I received my results I had a agreement with my dad, if I couldn't get into NUS, I'd head off for Australia doing Theatre and Drama, some performing arts course, but when I received my results, I knew NUS was the next plausible option. Unlike some of my classmates who had to go through interviews to get into NUS FASS, I got my place early and guaranteed. I was so set out for that that that was my only choice I filled in. If I didn't get it, very impossible, I'd head straight to Australia, no need for second thoughts.
In NUS, there were two Chinese Drama choices which I can choose from. With the Chinese Society or with CFA. I chose the one with CFA because I'd meet personal animosities with the Chinese Society, and also because I was tired of doing things like dance or literature or other things not related to drama. When I first joined Chinese Drama with CFA, I was a bit disappointed. It seemed to be that it was a PRC dominated thing and was very amateur. But after talking to the seniors there, my fears were slowly displaced. I saw their passion for drama. And that got me going.
I helped out in their production beginning this year as a sound crew member and really learnt a lot from my Laoban, but as the cycle goes, the seniors will one day step down, and we will have to take up the reins of continuing the club.
At first I was very psyched up in my new role. I had a swanky title, Media Resouces and Logistics Manager. I thought that this group of fellow members I was working with would be people I could work with. We share similar interests. We knew each other before we got together. But as time goes on, it is clear that my idea of Chinese Drama and theirs is totally different. This resulted in my title.
The first time i felt this way was during our debate on what is our focus. Is it Chinese DRAMA or CHINESE drama? Everyone except me agreed that if this was merely a drama group, they wouldn't have joined, it was only because this was a chinese group that they joined. I saw the first cracks of rifts between us. I'm just a simple girl who wants to do drama, I don't care if it's English or Chinese. Although sometimes I think that I might be happier doing English drama, it is also due to the bureaucracies of English drama that made me come to love the Chinese drama that I'm with for eight years counting.
The came more blows. The Chinese Drama committee agreed that they were not experienced and did not see themselves as in a position to guide the juniors. That really did me in.That wasn't the mentality that I wanted to have in the first place.
Slowly examining my fellow committee members, I really have nothing to say about them. Everything that I want to say has all dissloved in my grey heart and cold thoughts. Out of the eight of us, only one person was with drama for as long a time as me. but even himself cannot maych my credentials with experienced schools in the Chinese Drama scene for the amount of time, and neither did he go for camps and attachments. Yes, some of them might have taken Theatre Studies as a module in NUS, but as a senior from VJ's TSD said, you can't really learn much in NUS. It's totally different.
Five of them only started doing drama last year. One was with drama since JC. And this inadequacy spilled so obviously with the current intake of Chinese Drama freshies. One said, "We cannot teach the freshies stuff because we don't know much ourselves." So this is what they think, they don't know much. Actually, I can just take over everything and run the show myself, I know, at least I know my stuff about drama, but I didn't do anything about it. I've been talking lesser and lesser during meetings, because I really have no heart to see anything else already. If this is such, then so be it.
I was talking to the only other experienced member in the committee. He said, "As time goes on, the more I want to hold on the drama, I find myself losing it. I find that since joining Chinese Drama's committee, I'm doing more and more administrative work and I found myself straying further and further from the stage."
I might have just pushed myself through this last year with Chinese Drama, but after yesterday's committee meeting, I gave up all hope of enthusiasm. They agreed that they were amateur, and wanted to go into the cycle of school productions.
In the school Chinese Drama scene, the one heading the pack now is Hwa Chong. Not other school can come close to HC in terms of experience and results. I don't want to be compared to HC, now that I'm in NUS. I want to be compared with the theatre companies and not with schools. I can say, I have more experience than anybody in HC, so why do I want to be put on par with them? This doesn't tally. But then again, comparing the other committee members, I have to admit that save for one, the others really cannot match up to HC.
This really wasn't what I wanted when I first started out.
This wasn't what I was assured with when I first started out.
Where can I go in search of my own sky?
I have come to dread the February production. UCC Theatre or not, I know what I'm going to see is not something I want to see.
PS: I can't believe this turned out to be a 3 579 word entry. But every single word comes out fromthe bottom of my heart. If I have wronged anyone, I'm taking no blame cos if you think I've wronged you, then I really feel that you should be wronged. I don't want to be stingy with my flinches. I'm too tired to think anymore. I just want everything to just go by. Maybe right from the start Chinese Drama was a wrong choice. I should have just went in straight to English Drama and slowly work up the ranks. At least then I know where my orders are coming from. I can say very honestly here, in terms of drama, I only give one person somewhat of respect and he's not even my president. sucks... I feel sucky about this myself, but there's really nothing I can do about it myself...
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
Online Impressions and Off
Recently I met up with this group of people from my online forum group, and I must say, I was pretty surprised by my first impression of them online. If the barflies are thinking that this post is about them, I'm sorry, I've been really busy and haven't been meeting up with any of you guys in real life. This forum I'm talking about is called an IVLE forum.
What is an IVLE forum?
It's a forum, basically, but unlike other forums, it is compulsory that I post regularly in that. Okay, it isn't really compulsory, but I do get graded for my comments I posted there, so I can't post rubbish in it. It gets really stressful posting comments cos I know I'm being judged by what I've written. Well, for two modules I do not have tutorials, so this is where the forum comes in, it serves like a tutorial discussion only that you can do it at your own free time.
The thing about this IVLE forum is that unlike the bar where we can hide behind out chosen nicks, our full name as printed in our IC is emblazoned right behing the topic title of our postings.
But one thing about our names is that it shows the full name, like mine, it goes Ang Liping Joan. Usually it takes no sense for someone to recognise that the name you should call me is Joan, but once in a while there would be some weirdos or cheena-pigs calling me Liping. Not that Liping is not my name, not that I don't like that name, but I don't think that you are given the mandate to call me that cos Chinese names are pretty personal names.
A little note about my Chinese name. I don't like to go around telling people my Chinese name. Not because I'm shy, but because I so like that name. It says a lot about my personality. Of course I'd feel naked if I tell someone I'm not close with my Chinese name and have him determine my character out from the name. Likewise, I feel a certain sense of closeness to people whom I know their Chinese names, of course this does not apply to people who doesn't have English names.
Nowadays, people very often go by English names they thought of for easy reference. It's easier for people to remember them and easier for foreigners to call them. This English name usually isn't included in the person's identification card, so if I were to run a yellow pages search or a national search, I won't be able to locate him. Then again, why would I want to do that? hehe~ I don't know, just a thought...
Unlike other people, my English name is part of my given name. A name printed on my birth certificate. Some people might later add their own English name onto their IC, but the thing still remains that that name is not in their birth certificate.
Okay, I need to get back on track... Now where was I? Names... Sometimes, once in a while a person with no English name would request to be called by a name not printed on the official document. I am not really in favour of this. Yes, you don't have an English name printed on the postings, so why do you want yourself to be called that? Who really bothers to remember to match your Chinese name to your English one? If I've that much brain cells in me, I'd rather use them to think of better postings to get a better grade lor.
Then there's a problem again with the angmos. Angmos usually have long long weird weird English names that you don't know which is their first name, second or family name. I'm going to use a real life example, erm... If the victim of this case study is unhappy about me using his name, let me know, I'll remove you here.
Twohill Edmund Joseph
What would you call a guy with a name like this printed after his posting?
Maybe because almost everyone from TJ knows him, so it's obvious that I'd call him Edmund, but well, in NUS he's still a little little student no matter how big his credentials were when he was back in JC. Somebody called him Joseph.
And the person who called Edmund Joseph is an angmo.
Well, maybe that angmo who called Edmund Joseph is jusy not used to local angmo names mixed in the same register as the local names. Take Ang Liping Joan for example, you'd call her Joan, cos that's her first name. In local context, first names are always at the place place and the family name at the first. Take Pang Yan Wei for example, you'd call him Yan Wei, right? Easy? Not really... Yea... Maybe that's the mix up for Edmund cos his first name ends up being in the middle after transporting the family name to the front. So, if Ang Liping Joan is Joan Ang Liping, Twohill Edmund Joseph is in fact Edmund Joseph Twohill if you write the name as it is. Kind of complicated.
Okay, not kind of, but VERY complicated. And I get shit when I try to fill in official documents for my SEP application. Usually the application asks for Vorname and Familiename, which is Joan and Ang respectively, but then again, where does my Liping go? Liping is not a middle name, so I'm not Joan L. Ang, I think I'm more of a Joan Ang L. or whatever.
Oh well, I'm supposed to be talking about impressions and not about names, so I'll proceed.
Next point, gender. How do you know a person's gender from a name
It's easy if you get names like Joan or Edmund. I'd puke if I ever meed a guy called Joan. Wait, there are guys called Joan. Damnit... Damn those Spaniard weirdos... But other than the Spaniards, there aren't any other guy called Joan already, so I'd still puke. Yea... And I'd puke more if I ever meet a girl called Edmund. But if you get a name like Pang Yan Wei? Is that person a tah poh or zar boh?
My first impression was that that person was a guy. I don't know why, but it seemed to be that he felt like a guy. Okay, I thought he was a guy only because my module is a male-majority class. Yes, it's not often that you get a module in arts that has a higher majority of males than females, but if you do things like Total War, or my last semester's Singapore's Military History, you get the influx of male population. But after a posting by our dear professor, I was mislead into thinking that this Yan Wei person is female.
This male female gender issue is also very apparent in the bar. Most nicks are sort of gender inclined but there are some exceptions sometimes.
As with all mysteries, the first meeting with some of my forum group mates proved to be a surprise party. Out of a group of 12, it was quite sad that only 5 turned up. There was me, Edmund, Yan Wei, Hans and Wee Kian. I knew Edmund and Hans, so I turned to Wee Kian and asked his name. He introduced himself as "Weijian". I went like, "What's the name you use on the forum?". He went like, "Oh, it's Wee Kian.".
Most people are known by their pinyin name rather than their dialect name, especially if their dialect name is something utterly inpronounciable. I don't suppose I'll ever call Wee Kian Weijian in the forum cos it sounds very informal, but in real life, I don't think I'd call him Wee Kian, it's just not tongue friendly.
Pang Yan Wei.
Wanna guess this person's gender?
He's a he. hehe~ What I said to him when he introduced himself as "Yanwei" was "Oh, so you are a guy...". Not very flattering remark, but well, I talk faster than my brain works.
Since I'm, at the topic of my forum group mates, I shall talk a little bit about Hans. hmm... Wonder if any of my group mates will read this anot... If not happy, erm... tell me kindly, me will do something about it, no problem one. I'm a nice girl! It's quite coincidental that I ended up in the same group as Hans cos I was still doing project with him last semester. Another module taught by the same lecturer. By the way, Hans' name as appearing in the forum is Lee Jie, Hans. Actually, I've no idea why I'm stating Hans' full name... hahaha~ Just thought that since everybody's full name is stated as by me, so Hans' name just dropped out like that. Nice name ah... But if it was only Lee Jie, then I guess it'd end up as another ambiguous gendered name.
I'm really looking forward to meeting the other people in the group, especially the girls since I haven't met any yet. Hope this project will be fun. I like war!!! Just that the topic majority chose was not my first choice. I wanted to do something like appeasement. Later I found out that Hans and Edmund wanted to do that too, but well, majority, albeit a slight one, wanted to do British-Japan War. Which is according to Hans, "Singapore's Military History all over again". Fun? Well, I guess safe would be a better word. If given a choice I'd rather be examining and researching for something more dynamic and not that popular.
There's nothing much in my the other IVLE forum even though it's also a graded forum, but I know like three people in there very well already so it isn't really that much fun in trying to wonder how the people look like. And there aren't any group projects, are there? Can't remember... hahaha~
What is an IVLE forum?
It's a forum, basically, but unlike other forums, it is compulsory that I post regularly in that. Okay, it isn't really compulsory, but I do get graded for my comments I posted there, so I can't post rubbish in it. It gets really stressful posting comments cos I know I'm being judged by what I've written. Well, for two modules I do not have tutorials, so this is where the forum comes in, it serves like a tutorial discussion only that you can do it at your own free time.
The thing about this IVLE forum is that unlike the bar where we can hide behind out chosen nicks, our full name as printed in our IC is emblazoned right behing the topic title of our postings.
But one thing about our names is that it shows the full name, like mine, it goes Ang Liping Joan. Usually it takes no sense for someone to recognise that the name you should call me is Joan, but once in a while there would be some weirdos or cheena-pigs calling me Liping. Not that Liping is not my name, not that I don't like that name, but I don't think that you are given the mandate to call me that cos Chinese names are pretty personal names.
A little note about my Chinese name. I don't like to go around telling people my Chinese name. Not because I'm shy, but because I so like that name. It says a lot about my personality. Of course I'd feel naked if I tell someone I'm not close with my Chinese name and have him determine my character out from the name. Likewise, I feel a certain sense of closeness to people whom I know their Chinese names, of course this does not apply to people who doesn't have English names.
Nowadays, people very often go by English names they thought of for easy reference. It's easier for people to remember them and easier for foreigners to call them. This English name usually isn't included in the person's identification card, so if I were to run a yellow pages search or a national search, I won't be able to locate him. Then again, why would I want to do that? hehe~ I don't know, just a thought...
Unlike other people, my English name is part of my given name. A name printed on my birth certificate. Some people might later add their own English name onto their IC, but the thing still remains that that name is not in their birth certificate.
Okay, I need to get back on track... Now where was I? Names... Sometimes, once in a while a person with no English name would request to be called by a name not printed on the official document. I am not really in favour of this. Yes, you don't have an English name printed on the postings, so why do you want yourself to be called that? Who really bothers to remember to match your Chinese name to your English one? If I've that much brain cells in me, I'd rather use them to think of better postings to get a better grade lor.
Then there's a problem again with the angmos. Angmos usually have long long weird weird English names that you don't know which is their first name, second or family name. I'm going to use a real life example, erm... If the victim of this case study is unhappy about me using his name, let me know, I'll remove you here.
Twohill Edmund Joseph
What would you call a guy with a name like this printed after his posting?
Maybe because almost everyone from TJ knows him, so it's obvious that I'd call him Edmund, but well, in NUS he's still a little little student no matter how big his credentials were when he was back in JC. Somebody called him Joseph.
And the person who called Edmund Joseph is an angmo.
Well, maybe that angmo who called Edmund Joseph is jusy not used to local angmo names mixed in the same register as the local names. Take Ang Liping Joan for example, you'd call her Joan, cos that's her first name. In local context, first names are always at the place place and the family name at the first. Take Pang Yan Wei for example, you'd call him Yan Wei, right? Easy? Not really... Yea... Maybe that's the mix up for Edmund cos his first name ends up being in the middle after transporting the family name to the front. So, if Ang Liping Joan is Joan Ang Liping, Twohill Edmund Joseph is in fact Edmund Joseph Twohill if you write the name as it is. Kind of complicated.
Okay, not kind of, but VERY complicated. And I get shit when I try to fill in official documents for my SEP application. Usually the application asks for Vorname and Familiename, which is Joan and Ang respectively, but then again, where does my Liping go? Liping is not a middle name, so I'm not Joan L. Ang, I think I'm more of a Joan Ang L. or whatever.
Oh well, I'm supposed to be talking about impressions and not about names, so I'll proceed.
Next point, gender. How do you know a person's gender from a name
It's easy if you get names like Joan or Edmund. I'd puke if I ever meed a guy called Joan. Wait, there are guys called Joan. Damnit... Damn those Spaniard weirdos... But other than the Spaniards, there aren't any other guy called Joan already, so I'd still puke. Yea... And I'd puke more if I ever meet a girl called Edmund. But if you get a name like Pang Yan Wei? Is that person a tah poh or zar boh?
My first impression was that that person was a guy. I don't know why, but it seemed to be that he felt like a guy. Okay, I thought he was a guy only because my module is a male-majority class. Yes, it's not often that you get a module in arts that has a higher majority of males than females, but if you do things like Total War, or my last semester's Singapore's Military History, you get the influx of male population. But after a posting by our dear professor, I was mislead into thinking that this Yan Wei person is female.
This male female gender issue is also very apparent in the bar. Most nicks are sort of gender inclined but there are some exceptions sometimes.
As with all mysteries, the first meeting with some of my forum group mates proved to be a surprise party. Out of a group of 12, it was quite sad that only 5 turned up. There was me, Edmund, Yan Wei, Hans and Wee Kian. I knew Edmund and Hans, so I turned to Wee Kian and asked his name. He introduced himself as "Weijian". I went like, "What's the name you use on the forum?". He went like, "Oh, it's Wee Kian.".
Most people are known by their pinyin name rather than their dialect name, especially if their dialect name is something utterly inpronounciable. I don't suppose I'll ever call Wee Kian Weijian in the forum cos it sounds very informal, but in real life, I don't think I'd call him Wee Kian, it's just not tongue friendly.
Pang Yan Wei.
Wanna guess this person's gender?
He's a he. hehe~ What I said to him when he introduced himself as "Yanwei" was "Oh, so you are a guy...". Not very flattering remark, but well, I talk faster than my brain works.
Since I'm, at the topic of my forum group mates, I shall talk a little bit about Hans. hmm... Wonder if any of my group mates will read this anot... If not happy, erm... tell me kindly, me will do something about it, no problem one. I'm a nice girl! It's quite coincidental that I ended up in the same group as Hans cos I was still doing project with him last semester. Another module taught by the same lecturer. By the way, Hans' name as appearing in the forum is Lee Jie, Hans. Actually, I've no idea why I'm stating Hans' full name... hahaha~ Just thought that since everybody's full name is stated as by me, so Hans' name just dropped out like that. Nice name ah... But if it was only Lee Jie, then I guess it'd end up as another ambiguous gendered name.
I'm really looking forward to meeting the other people in the group, especially the girls since I haven't met any yet. Hope this project will be fun. I like war!!! Just that the topic majority chose was not my first choice. I wanted to do something like appeasement. Later I found out that Hans and Edmund wanted to do that too, but well, majority, albeit a slight one, wanted to do British-Japan War. Which is according to Hans, "Singapore's Military History all over again". Fun? Well, I guess safe would be a better word. If given a choice I'd rather be examining and researching for something more dynamic and not that popular.
There's nothing much in my the other IVLE forum even though it's also a graded forum, but I know like three people in there very well already so it isn't really that much fun in trying to wonder how the people look like. And there aren't any group projects, are there? Can't remember... hahaha~
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (part ii)
This post is dedicated to a certain Ah Guan...
http://jal4eva.blogspot.com/2004/06/eternal-sunshine-of-spotless-mind-its.html
That was my original post on Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. 9th June 2004. Yesterday was 12th September 2005. More than a year past since I watch that film. Someone once told me that Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind isn't a film that he would want to watch twice cos it's just so intense. Well, last year, that was my favourite movie for the year, only Last Life in the Universe came close to challenging it to be my favourite movie, but I'm not the kind who would watch a great movie twice.
I like to watch a movie, let the beauty of the move sink into me and not let myself get sick and tired of a movie that's perfect in my mind. So I ended up not watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind again, but I went through hundreds of websites discussing about that film and doing lots of research about it. I remember actively involved in a forum discussion somewhere online about that film. I remember reading through pages of webbies about what Charlie Kaufman thought about that film. I remember reading the working script and the final script of the movie to get a better literary understanding of it. But I never thought of watching it again. it was just to painful to go through the same process all over again.
But when I found out that my Film and History module was screening this film, I got all excited again. Now I had a compelling reason to watch that show again. And I was so glad that I went through it. Now that I'm a year older, and been through worse stuff than before, I'm really illuminated by the fucked up magic of Charlie Kaufman.
A year ago, I was still strung up over a certain X, and after watching the show, from Joel's point of view, I wasn't in favour of the whole process of memory ereasing. One year later, got over X, got into a rough patch, and started seeing things from Clementine's point of view. Yes, the same scenes still touched my heart, but there were others that made me emotional all over again. Maybe it was because of Joel. Joel was cohabiting with Naomi before he met Clementine, and even as he was pursuing Clementine, Naomi was still somewhere around, only that we never get to see Naomi.
Other than the main story of Joel and Clementine, the side story of Mary also tugged deep into my heart. Mary is really one disillusioned girl. Somewhere in some discussion forums, I read that there is a possibility that Mary had her memory ereased more than once. I also felt the pain of Howard's wife. why is the life of a woman so difficult.
Then also there was the story of Patrick. As much as Clementine loved Patrick for all the things he used to please her, I guess she also hated him as much as those were stuff that she so wanted to forget, but unable to do so due to Patrick's stupidity. Those gifts only make Clementine more and more confused with herself. Memories may be forgotten but emotions and feelings still remained. Subconsciously, she is still very much in love with Joel. Now thinking about it, I think she wanted to have her memories ereased only because she so loved Joel, so much that she hated him, she was upset over herself by being too strung up over him. Without this erasing of memory, it's highly possible that she cannot forget Joel and neither can she move on in life.
So much for love.
It's a pity I hadn't realised all these earlier, and was only gushing about how cute Jim Carrey was. maybe if I had realised all these much earlier I would been in that rough a rough patch.
During the film, I should have been taking notes for my project paper, but instead my whole mind was about my rough patch. I started thinking, if something that fucked up was to happen to me, would I go through that memory erasing process like Clementine. I think I might, but then again, even though I might have lost that piece of memory, the love will still be there. And if I one day come face to face with him again, like how Clementine met Joel again, I think I'll still fall in love with him again. Just like how Mary was still very much in love with Howard.
I really pity Mary. She went on in life, without the painful memories of her relationship with Howard, and continued working for Howard. And Howard can still have Mary working for him, and living with his wife, like nothing happened at all. I don't know what did Howard's wife thought when mary continued working for Howard, but I guess she suspected things. If she hadn't she wouldn't have went after Howard.
I'm still glad that I still have X in my memory though, even though those memories are pretty useless today, now that I've even more vivid memories of my rough patch. I might be pretty obsessed with my rough patch lately, but to go to the extent and erase my memories of that? I think not. I want to hold onto the beautiful memories, but the upsetting ones to. Maybe I'm more of a masochist. I think that thinking bac of past pains can make one stronger. Everytime I go through a rough period of time, at least I can clam myself that that's not the worse, or the worse hadsn't arrived yet. Self-deluding? Maybe... But don't we all do that? Only that in the film, everything is done artificially.
I'm still reading Fruitsbasket, or Furuba, but its focus isn't on memory erasing. I remember reading the part jus before Kana got married. She told Mayuko that she still had this crush on Hatori, but she was still commited to her husband. For Kana, she's lucky that Hatori kept his ground, if not I think Kana would be another Mary. I still pity Momiji, but as much as I pity him, I respect him. He has the courage to go on, and not want to experience something similiar in revenge.
Some might want to ask why not just forget the unhappy stuff and selectively remember the happy stuff. Yes, a lot of people have told me that about my rough patch, but I think that the world's a very contradicting place, and it's also about relativity. I need bad things to set beside the good to tell that the good is good. I don't want to be totally lost like Clementine.
about the ending for Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, there's still a debate going on whether or not is Joel and Clementine still together. I'm a romantist, I'd like to think of them as kissing and making up, but reading the screenplay, I am under the impression the the screenplay writer doesn't really want to let us know.After both loving each other that much, what's more with a couple more days, more months, more time.
http://jal4eva.blogspot.com/2004/06/eternal-sunshine-of-spotless-mind-its.html
That was my original post on Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. 9th June 2004. Yesterday was 12th September 2005. More than a year past since I watch that film. Someone once told me that Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind isn't a film that he would want to watch twice cos it's just so intense. Well, last year, that was my favourite movie for the year, only Last Life in the Universe came close to challenging it to be my favourite movie, but I'm not the kind who would watch a great movie twice.
I like to watch a movie, let the beauty of the move sink into me and not let myself get sick and tired of a movie that's perfect in my mind. So I ended up not watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind again, but I went through hundreds of websites discussing about that film and doing lots of research about it. I remember actively involved in a forum discussion somewhere online about that film. I remember reading through pages of webbies about what Charlie Kaufman thought about that film. I remember reading the working script and the final script of the movie to get a better literary understanding of it. But I never thought of watching it again. it was just to painful to go through the same process all over again.
But when I found out that my Film and History module was screening this film, I got all excited again. Now I had a compelling reason to watch that show again. And I was so glad that I went through it. Now that I'm a year older, and been through worse stuff than before, I'm really illuminated by the fucked up magic of Charlie Kaufman.
A year ago, I was still strung up over a certain X, and after watching the show, from Joel's point of view, I wasn't in favour of the whole process of memory ereasing. One year later, got over X, got into a rough patch, and started seeing things from Clementine's point of view. Yes, the same scenes still touched my heart, but there were others that made me emotional all over again. Maybe it was because of Joel. Joel was cohabiting with Naomi before he met Clementine, and even as he was pursuing Clementine, Naomi was still somewhere around, only that we never get to see Naomi.
Other than the main story of Joel and Clementine, the side story of Mary also tugged deep into my heart. Mary is really one disillusioned girl. Somewhere in some discussion forums, I read that there is a possibility that Mary had her memory ereased more than once. I also felt the pain of Howard's wife. why is the life of a woman so difficult.
Then also there was the story of Patrick. As much as Clementine loved Patrick for all the things he used to please her, I guess she also hated him as much as those were stuff that she so wanted to forget, but unable to do so due to Patrick's stupidity. Those gifts only make Clementine more and more confused with herself. Memories may be forgotten but emotions and feelings still remained. Subconsciously, she is still very much in love with Joel. Now thinking about it, I think she wanted to have her memories ereased only because she so loved Joel, so much that she hated him, she was upset over herself by being too strung up over him. Without this erasing of memory, it's highly possible that she cannot forget Joel and neither can she move on in life.
So much for love.
It's a pity I hadn't realised all these earlier, and was only gushing about how cute Jim Carrey was. maybe if I had realised all these much earlier I would been in that rough a rough patch.
During the film, I should have been taking notes for my project paper, but instead my whole mind was about my rough patch. I started thinking, if something that fucked up was to happen to me, would I go through that memory erasing process like Clementine. I think I might, but then again, even though I might have lost that piece of memory, the love will still be there. And if I one day come face to face with him again, like how Clementine met Joel again, I think I'll still fall in love with him again. Just like how Mary was still very much in love with Howard.
I really pity Mary. She went on in life, without the painful memories of her relationship with Howard, and continued working for Howard. And Howard can still have Mary working for him, and living with his wife, like nothing happened at all. I don't know what did Howard's wife thought when mary continued working for Howard, but I guess she suspected things. If she hadn't she wouldn't have went after Howard.
I'm still glad that I still have X in my memory though, even though those memories are pretty useless today, now that I've even more vivid memories of my rough patch. I might be pretty obsessed with my rough patch lately, but to go to the extent and erase my memories of that? I think not. I want to hold onto the beautiful memories, but the upsetting ones to. Maybe I'm more of a masochist. I think that thinking bac of past pains can make one stronger. Everytime I go through a rough period of time, at least I can clam myself that that's not the worse, or the worse hadsn't arrived yet. Self-deluding? Maybe... But don't we all do that? Only that in the film, everything is done artificially.
I'm still reading Fruitsbasket, or Furuba, but its focus isn't on memory erasing. I remember reading the part jus before Kana got married. She told Mayuko that she still had this crush on Hatori, but she was still commited to her husband. For Kana, she's lucky that Hatori kept his ground, if not I think Kana would be another Mary. I still pity Momiji, but as much as I pity him, I respect him. He has the courage to go on, and not want to experience something similiar in revenge.
Some might want to ask why not just forget the unhappy stuff and selectively remember the happy stuff. Yes, a lot of people have told me that about my rough patch, but I think that the world's a very contradicting place, and it's also about relativity. I need bad things to set beside the good to tell that the good is good. I don't want to be totally lost like Clementine.
about the ending for Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, there's still a debate going on whether or not is Joel and Clementine still together. I'm a romantist, I'd like to think of them as kissing and making up, but reading the screenplay, I am under the impression the the screenplay writer doesn't really want to let us know.After both loving each other that much, what's more with a couple more days, more months, more time.
Wednesday, September 07, 2005
Song Describing My Present Feelings
Here are some songs which describes my present feelings. I've translated the songs too...
从开始到现在
如果这是最后的结局
为何我还忘不了你
时间改变了我们告别了单纯
如果重缝也无法继续
失去才算是永恒
惩罚我的认真是我太过天真
难道我就这样过我的一生
我的吻注定吻不到最爱的人
为你等从一开始盼到现在也同样落得不可能
难道爱情可以转交给别人
但命运注定留不住我爱的人
我不能我怎么会愿意承认你是我不该爱的人
如果再见是为了再分
失去才算是永恒
一次新的记忆为何还要再生
难道我就这样过我的一生
我的吻注定吻不到最爱的人
为你等从一开始盼到现在也同样落得不可能
难道爱情可以转交给别人
但命运注定留不住我爱的人
我不能我怎么会愿意承认你是我不该爱的人
拿什么作证从未
想过爱一个人
需要那么残忍才证明爱得深
From the Beginning Till Now
If this is the final epilogue
Why am I still unable to forget you
Time has changed us and bade farewell to innocence
If we cannot continue upon reuniting
Loss being eternity
Punish my sincerity as I am being overtly naive
Don’t tell me that this is how I am to live on for the rest of my life
My kiss is fated not to be able to be planted on who I love the most
Waiting for you earnestly right from the start yet ending up as an impossible
Don’t tell me that love can be transferred onto another person
But fate has it that I am unable to hold onto who I love the most
I am unable to how can I be able to want to admit that you are who I am not supposed to love
If reuniting is just so that we can leave each other again
Loss being eternity
Why does this fresh new memory still want to be remembered
Don’t tell me that this is how I am to live on for the rest of my life
My kiss is fated not to be able to be planted on who I love the most
Waiting for you earnestly right from the start yet ending up as an impossible
Don’t tell me that love can be transferred onto another person
But fate has it that I am unable to hold onto who I love the most
I am unable to how can I be able to want to admit that you are who I am not supposed to love
What do I have as evidence
I have yet thought of what I could do to who I love the most
To admit the cruelty of the depth of my love to her
亲爱的你怎么不在身边
这里的空气很新鲜
这里的小吃很特别
这里的latte 不像水
这里的夜景很有感觉
在一万英尺的天边
在有港口view的房间
在讨价还价的商店
在凌晨喧闹的三四点
可是亲爱的你怎么不在我身边
我们有多少时间能浪费
电话再甜美传真再安慰
也不足以应付不能拥抱你的遥远
我的亲爱的你怎么不在我身边
一个人过一天像过一年
海的那一边乌云一整片
我很想为了你快乐一点
可是亲爱的你怎么不在身边
可是亲爱的你怎么不在我身边
Why Is My Dearest You Not By My Side
The air here is very fresh
The snacks here are very special
The latte here doesn’t taste like water
The night view here is very emotive
At ten thousand miles across the sky
At a room with a harbour view
At the shops haggling prices
At three four am in the bustling night
But why is my dearest you not by my side
How much time do we have left to waste
Although telephone calls can be sweet and fax messages can be comforting
Still I cannot cope with the distance separating us from hugging each other
My dearest you why are you not by my side
A day to a lonely person is as long as a year
Across the sea dark clouds gather
I really do want to be happy just for you
But my dearest you is not by my side
But why is my dearest you not by my side
孤单的人总说无所谓
我的心真的累了
难道你一点也看不见
解释再多也不能改变
感情不能靠我一个人挽回
开始学着不要人陪
假装孤单也是一种美
大街上的情人双双对对
让我看得心愈来愈碎
孤单的人总说无所谓
其实心里一直在下雪
总是希望有个人能够敝开我心扉
让我在他怀里找到安慰
孤单的人总说无所谓
一直独自整理所有伤悲
掩饰心中的感觉强忍眼角的泪水
聚聚散散不愿说后悔
孤单的人总说无所谓
其实心里不停在下雪
只能希望有个人试着敝开我心扉
让我在他怀里找到安慰
孤单的人总说无所谓
还是独自整理所有伤悲
掩饰心中的感觉强忍眼角的泪水
聚聚散散不愿说后悔
埋藏心中的感觉
擦乾眼角的泪水
聚聚散散不愿说后悔
Only the Lonely Say They Are Okay with It
My heart is really jaded already
Don’t tell me you didn’t event notice it
Not any more explanations can change anything else
A relationship cannot be saved by a lone me
Starting to learn how to live with companionship
Pretending that being lonely is also a beautiful thing
But seeing the loving couples on the street
I cannot help but feel my heart cracking under the strain
Only the lonely say they are okay with it
Actually it has been snowing in my heart
But I really been hoping that there would be a someone out there
Who can warm my freezing heart
And let me seek comfort and consolation in his embrace
Only the lonely say they are okay with it
All along it had been only me trying to sort out all the sadness
And to mask my true feelings
And to try very hard to hold back all my tears
Meetings and leavings, all the transitions
Unable to bring myself to regret anything
Only the lonely say they are okay with it
Actually it has been snowing in my heart
But I really been hoping that there would be a someone out there
Who can warm my freezing heart
And let me seek comfort and consolation in his embrace
Only the lonely say they are okay with it
Still it is me trying to sort out all the sadness
And to mask my true feelings
And to try very hard to hold back all my tears
Meetings and leavings, all the transitions
Unable to bring myself to regret anything
Burying all my true feelings
And wiping up all my tears
Meetings and leavings, all the transitions
Unable to bring myself to regret anything
从开始到现在
如果这是最后的结局
为何我还忘不了你
时间改变了我们告别了单纯
如果重缝也无法继续
失去才算是永恒
惩罚我的认真是我太过天真
难道我就这样过我的一生
我的吻注定吻不到最爱的人
为你等从一开始盼到现在也同样落得不可能
难道爱情可以转交给别人
但命运注定留不住我爱的人
我不能我怎么会愿意承认你是我不该爱的人
如果再见是为了再分
失去才算是永恒
一次新的记忆为何还要再生
难道我就这样过我的一生
我的吻注定吻不到最爱的人
为你等从一开始盼到现在也同样落得不可能
难道爱情可以转交给别人
但命运注定留不住我爱的人
我不能我怎么会愿意承认你是我不该爱的人
拿什么作证从未
想过爱一个人
需要那么残忍才证明爱得深
From the Beginning Till Now
If this is the final epilogue
Why am I still unable to forget you
Time has changed us and bade farewell to innocence
If we cannot continue upon reuniting
Loss being eternity
Punish my sincerity as I am being overtly naive
Don’t tell me that this is how I am to live on for the rest of my life
My kiss is fated not to be able to be planted on who I love the most
Waiting for you earnestly right from the start yet ending up as an impossible
Don’t tell me that love can be transferred onto another person
But fate has it that I am unable to hold onto who I love the most
I am unable to how can I be able to want to admit that you are who I am not supposed to love
If reuniting is just so that we can leave each other again
Loss being eternity
Why does this fresh new memory still want to be remembered
Don’t tell me that this is how I am to live on for the rest of my life
My kiss is fated not to be able to be planted on who I love the most
Waiting for you earnestly right from the start yet ending up as an impossible
Don’t tell me that love can be transferred onto another person
But fate has it that I am unable to hold onto who I love the most
I am unable to how can I be able to want to admit that you are who I am not supposed to love
What do I have as evidence
I have yet thought of what I could do to who I love the most
To admit the cruelty of the depth of my love to her
亲爱的你怎么不在身边
这里的空气很新鲜
这里的小吃很特别
这里的latte 不像水
这里的夜景很有感觉
在一万英尺的天边
在有港口view的房间
在讨价还价的商店
在凌晨喧闹的三四点
可是亲爱的你怎么不在我身边
我们有多少时间能浪费
电话再甜美传真再安慰
也不足以应付不能拥抱你的遥远
我的亲爱的你怎么不在我身边
一个人过一天像过一年
海的那一边乌云一整片
我很想为了你快乐一点
可是亲爱的你怎么不在身边
可是亲爱的你怎么不在我身边
Why Is My Dearest You Not By My Side
The air here is very fresh
The snacks here are very special
The latte here doesn’t taste like water
The night view here is very emotive
At ten thousand miles across the sky
At a room with a harbour view
At the shops haggling prices
At three four am in the bustling night
But why is my dearest you not by my side
How much time do we have left to waste
Although telephone calls can be sweet and fax messages can be comforting
Still I cannot cope with the distance separating us from hugging each other
My dearest you why are you not by my side
A day to a lonely person is as long as a year
Across the sea dark clouds gather
I really do want to be happy just for you
But my dearest you is not by my side
But why is my dearest you not by my side
孤单的人总说无所谓
我的心真的累了
难道你一点也看不见
解释再多也不能改变
感情不能靠我一个人挽回
开始学着不要人陪
假装孤单也是一种美
大街上的情人双双对对
让我看得心愈来愈碎
孤单的人总说无所谓
其实心里一直在下雪
总是希望有个人能够敝开我心扉
让我在他怀里找到安慰
孤单的人总说无所谓
一直独自整理所有伤悲
掩饰心中的感觉强忍眼角的泪水
聚聚散散不愿说后悔
孤单的人总说无所谓
其实心里不停在下雪
只能希望有个人试着敝开我心扉
让我在他怀里找到安慰
孤单的人总说无所谓
还是独自整理所有伤悲
掩饰心中的感觉强忍眼角的泪水
聚聚散散不愿说后悔
埋藏心中的感觉
擦乾眼角的泪水
聚聚散散不愿说后悔
Only the Lonely Say They Are Okay with It
My heart is really jaded already
Don’t tell me you didn’t event notice it
Not any more explanations can change anything else
A relationship cannot be saved by a lone me
Starting to learn how to live with companionship
Pretending that being lonely is also a beautiful thing
But seeing the loving couples on the street
I cannot help but feel my heart cracking under the strain
Only the lonely say they are okay with it
Actually it has been snowing in my heart
But I really been hoping that there would be a someone out there
Who can warm my freezing heart
And let me seek comfort and consolation in his embrace
Only the lonely say they are okay with it
All along it had been only me trying to sort out all the sadness
And to mask my true feelings
And to try very hard to hold back all my tears
Meetings and leavings, all the transitions
Unable to bring myself to regret anything
Only the lonely say they are okay with it
Actually it has been snowing in my heart
But I really been hoping that there would be a someone out there
Who can warm my freezing heart
And let me seek comfort and consolation in his embrace
Only the lonely say they are okay with it
Still it is me trying to sort out all the sadness
And to mask my true feelings
And to try very hard to hold back all my tears
Meetings and leavings, all the transitions
Unable to bring myself to regret anything
Burying all my true feelings
And wiping up all my tears
Meetings and leavings, all the transitions
Unable to bring myself to regret anything
Staying Awake in Lectures
I had an 8am lecture this morning. I slept at 2.30am last night. I woke up at 7am this morning. And I would doze off in class every Wednesdays. Not that I actually fall asleep in class, but I'd just space out and stop copying notes. But usually it's only for a short period of time, and usually after the break I'll be fine, after I get food. So what is the point of me saying all these?
Cos I didn't doze of in class this morning!!! Yes, it might sound like nothing to you guys who don't sleep at 2.30am and waking up at 7am and going for 8am lectures, but I managed to stay bright and awake throughout the whole 2hour lecture! This is such an amazing feat that I don't know if I can ever emulate it again. haha~
Why didn't I doze off as I might have?
Cos this was a lecture on German Nationalism, German Unification, and about BISMARCK!!! That kept me all perked up this whole morning. The next lecture is also on Germany, I wonder if I can stay fully awake next week too anot. If I can then it must be the power of German history that can keep me bright and awake, and I shall work out that I will only take those related modules if I ever wanted to do an 8am lecture again.
I love Bismarck. I love German Unification. I love German Nationalism.
But more so, recently it has been food that's keeping me awake in class. Food and drinks. Usually I'd go to class with hotdogs or sausages and a can of green tea or qoo. Perks me up. If I don't get them before the class, I'd get them during the break, even if I'm not really tired, I'm always hungry for food. I just like the sausages and hotdogs sold in the chinese snack stall in the Arts canteen. I'm eating so much from there that I haven't been at Coffee Club Express that frequent le. Then again, I think it's also due to the venue of where most of my classes are ba...
Cos I didn't doze of in class this morning!!! Yes, it might sound like nothing to you guys who don't sleep at 2.30am and waking up at 7am and going for 8am lectures, but I managed to stay bright and awake throughout the whole 2hour lecture! This is such an amazing feat that I don't know if I can ever emulate it again. haha~
Why didn't I doze off as I might have?
Cos this was a lecture on German Nationalism, German Unification, and about BISMARCK!!! That kept me all perked up this whole morning. The next lecture is also on Germany, I wonder if I can stay fully awake next week too anot. If I can then it must be the power of German history that can keep me bright and awake, and I shall work out that I will only take those related modules if I ever wanted to do an 8am lecture again.
I love Bismarck. I love German Unification. I love German Nationalism.
But more so, recently it has been food that's keeping me awake in class. Food and drinks. Usually I'd go to class with hotdogs or sausages and a can of green tea or qoo. Perks me up. If I don't get them before the class, I'd get them during the break, even if I'm not really tired, I'm always hungry for food. I just like the sausages and hotdogs sold in the chinese snack stall in the Arts canteen. I'm eating so much from there that I haven't been at Coffee Club Express that frequent le. Then again, I think it's also due to the venue of where most of my classes are ba...
Monday, September 05, 2005
A Friend
I met a friend this afternoon. So what's so interesting about meeting friends since we meet friends in school every day every hour? It's the nature of this friend that makes life interesting. And also I think it's because I've nothing to write about these few days, so shall ramble about this friend here. My http://spaces.msn.com/members/jal4eva/ is more active lastely cos been boggled by all those rough patches problems, but that's not the point today.
Hmm... Just thinking, should I name that friend? Maybe for an element of suspense I shall withold that friend's name then decide later if I want to reveal his name or not.
I met him in one of my classes last semester. Technically there isn't anything interesting about meeting new friends in classes every semester every module, but it was what he first said to me that left me a very strong impression on him. His first sentence to me was "You are Joan right? I agree with what you think about the Red Cross aid of the tsunami." I went blur. Yes, he first knew me by reading my blog which I had written about the tsunami disaster and the involvement of the Red Cross Society. The entry I'd written is http://jal4eva.blogspot.com/2005/01/tsunami-disaster-relief-im-sure-by-now.html here, can take a look at my amazing writing.
As the class went on over the semester I found this friend to be one very interesting guy. He seems to be everything rolled up into one package. he can be chauvinistic, arrogant, metrosexual, sensitive, full of shit and bullshit, smart, clever, witty, overtly self-assured, and whatever adjetives you can think of, he is everything. I've never met a metrosexual chauvinist ever and this guy is really the guy man... I'm so disgusted that I became so amazed. hehe~
So why did I mention about meeting him today. Well, he got this new hair cut. He spent over $300 on his hair, which looked as beautiful as a balding skunk anyway. Should have taken a picture of it sia... But I was too busy gawking over his hair that I totally forgot about taking pictures.
Anyway, I'm thinking of doing something to my hair, again. This time I think I won't want to spend a freaking $160 for something that doesn't look like a $160 haircut, but I don't know what I want to do. Long straight tresses has always been my trademark, but recently due to stress and frustrations, I've been losing hair, gaining dandruff and getting splitends. I don't think I'll want to colour or perm my hair, but I don't know what haircut should I go for.
Any suggestions?
Hmm... Just thinking, should I name that friend? Maybe for an element of suspense I shall withold that friend's name then decide later if I want to reveal his name or not.
I met him in one of my classes last semester. Technically there isn't anything interesting about meeting new friends in classes every semester every module, but it was what he first said to me that left me a very strong impression on him. His first sentence to me was "You are Joan right? I agree with what you think about the Red Cross aid of the tsunami." I went blur. Yes, he first knew me by reading my blog which I had written about the tsunami disaster and the involvement of the Red Cross Society. The entry I'd written is http://jal4eva.blogspot.com/2005/01/tsunami-disaster-relief-im-sure-by-now.html here, can take a look at my amazing writing.
As the class went on over the semester I found this friend to be one very interesting guy. He seems to be everything rolled up into one package. he can be chauvinistic, arrogant, metrosexual, sensitive, full of shit and bullshit, smart, clever, witty, overtly self-assured, and whatever adjetives you can think of, he is everything. I've never met a metrosexual chauvinist ever and this guy is really the guy man... I'm so disgusted that I became so amazed. hehe~
So why did I mention about meeting him today. Well, he got this new hair cut. He spent over $300 on his hair, which looked as beautiful as a balding skunk anyway. Should have taken a picture of it sia... But I was too busy gawking over his hair that I totally forgot about taking pictures.
Anyway, I'm thinking of doing something to my hair, again. This time I think I won't want to spend a freaking $160 for something that doesn't look like a $160 haircut, but I don't know what I want to do. Long straight tresses has always been my trademark, but recently due to stress and frustrations, I've been losing hair, gaining dandruff and getting splitends. I don't think I'll want to colour or perm my hair, but I don't know what haircut should I go for.
Any suggestions?
Friday, September 02, 2005
An Emo Post
I wrote a little about it in my msn space already, but decided to give this huge problem a larger airtime, so decided to write more in here.
Some short snippets of my feelings over the past couple of days. I'll start of with Sunday night. Actually the stroy began even further back in time when all the signs were pointing to a "do not meet", well, it created this innate fear in me. Sunday night was another emo night for me. I was misunderstood, and with all the fears, not only my fears, well, complications occurred.
Monday. I waited and waited and waited. The call was supposed to come in at 8.45pm. My lessons ended early. I even stayed back and chatted with Jinwei and Audrey, but still no call came in. My fears recurred and I thought of the signs pointing towards regret. But the call finally came in at 9+. I was pacified instantly. I did not even fear that much when I got lost in the dark streets of CBD Singapore. Then there were butterflies in my tummy. I thought of the time I was preparing to go to Germany. The feelings of hesitation yet excited overwhelmed me. I felt a sudden urge of running, but of course I didn't.
At first, I was a little disappointed. Not all things are like what you thought of. Appearances may differ, but feelings were still there. The kind of feelings didn't diminish like what I had one experienced, so I guess, this was true. I like the way I was greeted. That will be forever sealed in my memory despite the disappointment. Then again, as the hours ticked on, the disappointment dropped. Maybe I was just too tired and overwhelmed my my fears. What follows was nothing more than a fairy tale dream. The best times in my life.
The next day was supposed to be a Sentosa trip, but plans fell through and I ended up with rough patch which basically killed my day.
The ending was all wrong. With my rough patch and everything, how can there be a right ending?
I don't know if I've told everyone about this before. The last time I met with a full blown rough patch, I went walking along East Coast Park, and got picked up by this weird guy. Well, that I've met another rough patch today, I met yet another weird guy who attemted to pick me up. I'll let him live in anonimity since there is a chance that he might be reading my blog, or that other involved personnel might too be reading my blog, and other than he's a bit weird, I think I shall better not slam him.
But that's not the point. The point is that today I broke down yet again. It was another call. The call that closes up the open circle. Oh well... Maybe I should just try and let go.
I'm too gone le... I'll try to sort my my fucking thoughts again before coming back to describe what happened.
Some short snippets of my feelings over the past couple of days. I'll start of with Sunday night. Actually the stroy began even further back in time when all the signs were pointing to a "do not meet", well, it created this innate fear in me. Sunday night was another emo night for me. I was misunderstood, and with all the fears, not only my fears, well, complications occurred.
Monday. I waited and waited and waited. The call was supposed to come in at 8.45pm. My lessons ended early. I even stayed back and chatted with Jinwei and Audrey, but still no call came in. My fears recurred and I thought of the signs pointing towards regret. But the call finally came in at 9+. I was pacified instantly. I did not even fear that much when I got lost in the dark streets of CBD Singapore. Then there were butterflies in my tummy. I thought of the time I was preparing to go to Germany. The feelings of hesitation yet excited overwhelmed me. I felt a sudden urge of running, but of course I didn't.
At first, I was a little disappointed. Not all things are like what you thought of. Appearances may differ, but feelings were still there. The kind of feelings didn't diminish like what I had one experienced, so I guess, this was true. I like the way I was greeted. That will be forever sealed in my memory despite the disappointment. Then again, as the hours ticked on, the disappointment dropped. Maybe I was just too tired and overwhelmed my my fears. What follows was nothing more than a fairy tale dream. The best times in my life.
The next day was supposed to be a Sentosa trip, but plans fell through and I ended up with rough patch which basically killed my day.
The ending was all wrong. With my rough patch and everything, how can there be a right ending?
I don't know if I've told everyone about this before. The last time I met with a full blown rough patch, I went walking along East Coast Park, and got picked up by this weird guy. Well, that I've met another rough patch today, I met yet another weird guy who attemted to pick me up. I'll let him live in anonimity since there is a chance that he might be reading my blog, or that other involved personnel might too be reading my blog, and other than he's a bit weird, I think I shall better not slam him.
But that's not the point. The point is that today I broke down yet again. It was another call. The call that closes up the open circle. Oh well... Maybe I should just try and let go.
I'm too gone le... I'll try to sort my my fucking thoughts again before coming back to describe what happened.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
